Episode 62 -- November 16, 2020

Coping Ahead: Preparing for Confrontation

It's always a good idea to be prepared. For whatever. For making a meal, for driving to a destination, for starting our day in recovery, and, especially, for addressing conflicts with other people. Some of us call this "pre-coping," some might refer to it as "coping ahead." As we think of the holidays, there is quite a bit we might need to cope with: health, boundaries, family issues, beverage and menu choices, and so much more. Here's a mini-course for coping ahead from Of Course You're Angry: A Guide to Dealing with the Emotions of Substance Abuse, by Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden. In this excerpt, we learn how to prepare for a confrontation—big or small—and see how it could play out in a scenario where you ask a loved one not to have alcohol in the fridge, something that could easily come up over the holidays. We can see how a confrontation can be effective without making anything worse...kind of like how we live each day in recovery.

It has been edited for brevity.

The Big Book advises us to avoid argument and retaliation, to shun rancorous wrangling for our sobriety's sake.

"An excellent suggestion," we say. "We agree wholeheartedly! But..."

But what?

"But how do we deal with the arrogant egotists and gran-diose blockheads who seem to be lurking around every corner to subvert our serenity?"

There's the rub. So we rid ourselves of disabling resentments. We try hard to overcome our denial. We practice positive self-talk and make efforts to overcome our common conceits. We make progress.

But what about those times when someone close to us behaves in a way that is irritating, inconsiderate, disruptive, or even harmful to our recovery? Should we turn away, count to ten, and meditate on green thoughts in a green glade?

There are times when we simply must speak up firmly for our rights. If we don't speak up, nobody will. We have to let people know what's on our minds. We don't transmit our thoughts on a special "spousal wave-length" and our spouse doesn't have a built-in receiver that picks up random ruminations of discontent.

Too often we try to send our thoughts and feelings out in a kind of code. We drop hints. We grimace or give pained looks. Or we engage in passive resistance. None of these ploys works. Worse, they can be?infuriating?to those we're trying to communicate with, because they're trying to understand us and we're playing charades.

Making demands doesn't work either because it's almost guaranteed to provoke resistance. Do you like to be ordered around?

We need to be direct, but not dictatorial. We need to stop playing charades about our feelings, stop trying to transmit important thoughts to people who can't read minds. Our goal is to be assertive, to speak up firmly—but quietly—when the time is right.

Let's take a closer look at ways to effectively confront people who may be causing us problems.

Preparing for the Confrontation
If we must confront someone—if a confrontation is needed to improve a bad situation—there is a way to go about it that promises at least a chance of a positive outcome.

A positive outcome doesn't mean we always get exactly what we want exactly when we want it. For us, it means

• We make our point.
• We maintain our dignity and self-respect.
• We don't threaten the other person's character or self-esteem.

Our kind of confrontation is a well-thought-out, dispassionate, lovingly firm statement we make to a person we care about. During the confrontation, we have three goals:

• We want to point out how a certain behavior is causing trouble for them, or us, or other people.
• We suggest changes and state why the changes are important to us.
• When appropriate, we make a commitment to do what we can to make that change easier.

Gather your facts and be ready to present specific examples of the behavior you are talking about. Also have specific solutions to offer. (Of course, you've used your Four-Question Challenge to analyze your resentment!) Make sure your solutions are positive, reasonable, and attainable.

Remember: This confrontation is meant to be a firm but loving statement—not the opening bell for a fight. It may take all our rational coping skills to prevent a battle, especially since we can expect a certain amount of resistance, denial, and defiance from the other people. After all, they're only human.

The Confrontation
To make the confrontation, pick a time when the other person is not distracted. For example, it's probably not a good idea to try to seriously discuss a romantic problem with someone during the last quarter of the Super Bowl or on the way to a funeral. The other person's attention and emotions will not be focused on us and our concerns. (Maybe that's why so many of us feel the urge to argue at these times. Our conceits make us want to be the center of attention. Think about it!)

We also need to pick a good place, where we can have privacy and no interruptions. It's not a good idea to air your grievances at the company picnic or the Christmas dinner. Yet, people do it all the time. It's ineffective and usually causes a lot of embarrassment for the innocent bystanders.

Okay, we need to pick a good time and place, but don't wait for the perfect time. The perfect time never comes.

Now, get serious. If you mean business, let your face show it. You can't expect the other person to take you seriously if you don't act seriously.

Ted, sober for six months, handled a serious problem with his wife this way. "Mary," he said one night after dinner. "I have something to tell you. Can we talk for a minute?"

Ted's face looked so grim, Mary immediately turned off the television and sat down on the couch. Ted sat opposite her and said, "I'm really bothered by the beer you keep in the fridge for Ted Jr. and his friends."

"But they're over twenty-one," Mary countered. "Why shouldn't Teddy be able to have a beer when he comes for a visit? He doesn't have a drinking problem." Her voice fairly dripped with sarcasm.

Ted took a deep breath. Stay calm, he told himself. "No," he said agreeably. "Teddy doesn't have a drinking problem. But I do. I'm an alcoholic. And I know that means I could relapse. Let's face it: I'm having a hard time facing that cold beer when I come home from work every night. I don't like having to struggle with temptation on a daily basis. I believe in 'out of sight, out of mind.' I feel like I'm being sabotaged in my efforts to stay sober."

"That's ridiculous," Mary replied. "You're being asinine!"

Stung, Ted paused for a moment. Then he thought, It's a shame Mary's acting the way she is, but I can handle it.

Looking Mary straight in the face, he said, "I'm asking you for your help, Mary. I need your support to stay sober. When you buy beer and bring it home, I begin to feel resentful. I'm afraid I'm losing confidence in your willingness to solve our problems together."

"You're the one with the problem!"

Ted swallowed hard and took another deep breath. There's no need for me to get defensive, he told himself. "Yes, Mary," he said. "I'm an alcoholic. I intend to continue attending my meetings and I intend to stay sober one day at a time. But I'm asking you to stop bringing beer home. It makes it more difficult for me to deal with my problem."

Mary sighed, "Oh, if it'll make you happy, I'll buy soda for Teddy. But you're the one with the problem, not me."

Ted smiled. Poor Mary. She needs to save face by blaming me, but it's a start. That's good. He leaned forward and gave her a light kiss. "Thanks for agreeing to help me, sweetheart. I really appreciate it."

Notice how Ted handled the confrontation: He stayed calm, stayed on track, and used positive self-talk. He also quit while he was ahead, resisting the temptation to harangue his wife until she agreed with him in every detail. He let her save face as long as she agreed to his two major requests. We can learn from his example.

Here are eleven points to keep in mind when we find ourselves in a situation that may require a confrontation with someone.

1. Pick a good time and place.
2. Be serious and firm, but caring.
3. State your concerns clearly and immediately.
4. Use specific examples.
5. Use I statements vs. You statements.
6. Stay on track.
7. Use rational self-talk to stay calm and reasonable.
8. Present clear, reasonable, and positive solutions.
9. State your commitment to solve the problem.
10. Don't insist on 100 percent agreement with your every wish.
11. Show your appreciation for cooperation.

As recovering people, we know we have special problems with anger. If we are wise, we will avoid fighting. Why? Because in unguarded moments, it's easy for us to slip backward, away from recovery and toward unreasonableness and negativity. Fights usually accomplish nothing, unless we consider name-calling, accusations, fault-finding, hurt feelings, and splattered egos worthwhile endeavors.

Fighting builds resentments. We become so intent on being right, and proving our opponent wrong, that we say and do things we are later ashamed of. Who needs it?

About the Author:
Gayle Rosellini has worked and published widely in the field of chemical dependency. Mark Worden has written many articles on dependency and recovery.

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