Episode 103 -- April 8, 2021

Terms of Acceptance

In the book A Balanced Life, Tom Smith offers guidance for the family and friends of a person with mental illness on how to support their loved one while maintaining emotional, mental, and spiritual balance in their own lives. Many of us in recovery have people in our lives who face these challenges...or we might face them ourselves. Smith's book features nine strategies that can help us understand and cope with our loved one's mental health problems, along with specific actions we can take to care for that person.

In this excerpt, Smith discusses the difficulty of accepting our limitations—that we have little control over others or many of the circumstances in our lives. He also explores how practicing acceptance can help us find greater personal peace and improved relationships. The excerpt closes with a list of questions we can reflect on.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Acceptance

Acceptance of a mental illness is difficult for all concerned. It is hard because it brings us face-to-face with something we did not ask for, something we cannot banish with a magic pill or by simply trying harder. For those with the disorder, and those close to them, "working the strategies" in this book can moderate the negative effects of mental illness and allow for a relatively balanced life. And in some cases, such as some mood disorders, there are periods of remission when life returns to normal. But in most cases, a chronic mental illness is like a chronic physical disease such as diabetes or Crohn's disease: the person who has it generally will have to learn to manage it for life, and family and friends will have to adjust their lives to accommodate the disruptions it causes as well.

Why Is Acceptance So Hard?

For many of us, the idea of acceptance implies that we must admit our limitations, and most of us resist this. We are comfortable enough with some limitations: we usually can accept that we will never run a four-minute mile, write the great American novel, or learn calculus in a day. But other limitations we may not accept so easily, especially in areas of our life where we think we have more control than we do. At times, most of us would like to control what other people think, feel, and do. But over and over again we discover that people have their own ideas about what they should do. And they may behave unpredictably, simply ignoring what we think they "should" do. We eventually realize that we have little control over others or, in fact, over many circumstances in life.

Acceptance can be difficult because it forces us to deal with reality—a slippery concept. What is real and what is illusion? Whose reality are we talking about? What is the concrete, definitive truth of our life, and what is a fantasy, naïve expectation, or unrealistic wish? These questions are not just for philosophers, poets, and pundits. In the special circumstances we live in, we all face these questions every day. We seldom ask them directly, but we often think, feel, and act as if we know the answers when, in fact, we don't.

When we do assess our real abilities and limitations honestly and critically, we often see that we have less control than we thought. A sudden illness, an unexpected death, the unwanted end of a relationship, a child growing up and resisting our guidance, a person who makes a choice we don't approve of, a loved one in trouble who refuses our help, a friend who disappoints us, a decision we make that has unforeseen painful consequences—all these real-life experiences expose our own limits and vulnerabilities. And we don't like it.

Acceptance in such situations is difficult because it means we have to honestly acknowledge unwanted limitations; it means we choose to think, feel, and act within those restrictions. It often takes a long time to learn how and when to accept these life realties. Some people never really learn this kind of acceptance, and few people, if any, practice it all the time. Most of us have to work at it, and now and then we slip back into our old patterns, trying to control people and circumstances that are beyond our control. Learning to accept our real limitations gracefully can be a lifelong lesson.

Healthy acceptance doesn't mean being passive in the face of life's difficulties. It isn't giving up or escapism. It doesn't mean repressing our frustration and inwardly "rolling our eyes" when things don't go our way. True acceptance only rarely comes after a hard-fought, stubborn face-off with reality. Instead, it usually comes over time, as we develop a more mature response to the things we truly have no control over. Eventually, healthy acceptance is quiet, clear-eyed, determined, and kind. And the reward for this high level of acceptance is greater personal peace and more congenial, relaxed relationships—which make life easier, more enjoyable, and more productive.

Acceptance and Mental Illness

For family and friends of people with mental health problems, learning acceptance is a pivotal issue. When faced with our loved one's unusual thought patterns and behavior, our first response—out of our own fear, embarrassment, and genuine concern—may be to try to shape his or her thoughts and behavior, to "normalize" the situation. The tendency to try to control and change our loved one's symptomatic behavior is very strong.

This tendency is complicated by the fact that when our loved ones are more in control of their thoughts and feelings, we can have some impact on their behavior; they are as responsive as anyone is to others' needs and expectations. But where is the line between what our loved ones can do freely and voluntarily, and what their illness compels them to do? What are they responsible for and what is caused by the illness? Since it's impossible to draw a clear, fixed line between these two realities, we struggle with our role as caregivers. The influence we have is real and can be beneficial, but there are areas where we have no influence, even if we want it and they want it. That's when acceptance becomes essential.

Questions for Personal Reflection

1. What are some areas in your life where you have had to accept your limitations?
2. Based on your experiences, how would you define acceptance?
3. How has acceptance been rewarding for you?

About the Author:
Tom Smith lives in Shiloh, Illinois, with his wife, Fran. Both are retired from positions in education and currently they—along with their son, Kevin—serve as directors of the Karla Smith Foundation (KSF). Tom spends much of his time on activities related to KSF, which has a mission to "provide hope for a balanced life to family and friends of anyone with a mental illness or who lost a loved one to suicide." Tom is the author of five previous books, including The Tattered Tapestry, a portrayal of how the Smith family responded to the bipolar disorder and suicide of Karla (Tom and Fran's daughter and Kevin's twin sister). Tom is an avid, lifelong sports fan, with most of his loyalty going to St. Louis teams, especially the 2006 World Series Champion Cardinals. In 1966 he adopted the motto, "Bash on, regardless," which is useful once again in his work for the Karla Smith Foundation.

© 2008 by Tom Smith
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