Episode 126 -- June 28, 2021

Relationship Revelation: Every Argument Is About Fear

For the first thirty-odd years of her life, Karen Casey did not understand which of her actions hindered and which helped her relationships. Since starting her recovery journey decades ago, she began to study the dynamics that characterize successful and sustainable relationships. Those dynamics became the rules that she shares in her book Fearless Relationships: Simple Rules for Lifelong Contentment.

According to Casey, "We will not heal individually or as a society, and certainly not as a multicultural world, unless we heal our many personal relationships. And there is no better day than this one to begin the process."

In this excerpt, Casey reminds us that fear is at the center of every argument in any relationship—and teaches us how love can undo fear.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

The idea that every argument is about fear may seem a bit strong—it seemed so when I first considered it. But the longer I have ruminated about it, the truer it rings. Let me explain.

There is a school of thought that says that all human expressions reflect one of two feelings: love or fear. I am an adherent of this school, but I didn't grow up with it. On the contrary, in my family of origin, the expression of anger was predominant, and anger was never understood to be related, in any way, to fear. In my family, anger was a justified response to any situation that was out of someone's control. Whenever someone was not behaving the way my parents wanted them to, they became angry. In fact, even when neighbors or perfect strangers were not behaving according to my parents' standards, they got angry. A perfect example of this was in the political arena. My father got rageful almost daily at anything the other political party did or said. It didn't matter that he wasn't personally affected; he was right and they were wrong.

What I never understood at the time was that my parents were afraid! They were afraid of what others would think if we kids were out of control. They were afraid of where our misbehavior might take us. They were afraid of what it showed about them if we, or others, were not doing exactly as they expected. Fear ruled their lives.

Fear rules the lives of most people; my parents were certainly not the exception. Consider for a moment the most recent argument you were involved in, either as a participant or an observer. Can you see how fear instigated the scrimmage? One person perceived himself or herself as too vulnerable and weak in the situation, or possibly felt discounted and an argument ensued.

The myriad conflicts that occur around our globe demonstrate how fear develops into unnecessary tension that often gets played out in murderous ways. One country, one neighborhood, one ethnic group expresses anger, often resulting in a tragic outcome, because of fear that the other side is getting ahead, getting more of what each side wants.

Many of us sit back and shake our heads in dismay or sadness over the constant violence that erupts daily all over the world. "Why can't people just get along?" we lament. Generally the battles are over past occurrences, perceived as injustices, that keep reigniting because human nature keeps digging them up. Internally we scream, "Enough of this!" then stoop to fighting with a loved one over a situation that differs only in content, not in form.

Fear drives us to do irrational things. Why are we so afraid? Some would say that fear, at its base, is over the retribution we expect to face "on the other side," when we die, retribution that we fear is deserved. Others would say our fear is much more superficial, that we are simply afraid of looking inadequate in front of others so we prepare to do battle with anyone who disagrees with us. Our ego is merely protecting itself.

Personally, I think fear is caused by our unwillingness to recognize our similarities with others. We tend to so easily see our differences and then feel quite separate from those around us. When these feelings of separateness grow too great, we strike out at one another in fear rather than reach out in an attempt at intimacy that might be rebuffed.

My earlier statement that every expression is one of fear or one of love simplifies the world for me. It also signifies to me the appropriate reaction to any encounter. Meeting any unloving expression with an offer of love can change the dynamic of every single encounter we have.

We can change the world, you and I, by our willingness to change how we perceive and then react to the world around us. Margaret Mead said this so eloquently when she noted, "it may seem impossible to think that any one of us can make a difference in the world, but that, in fact, is the only thing that can make a difference in the world." Our assignment is crystal clear.

We can refrain from arguing. It's a decision, nothing more. It's not necessary to "be right" in every discussion one engages in. We have nothing real to fear, or lose, in any discussion with any person; therefore, we need not be argumentative.

When the other person we encounter is determined to have a battle, we can perceive them as filled with fear. We don't need to understand the reason for it. There doesn't need to be a rational explanation. It can simply be acknowledged, internally, and "forgiven." The discussion can then move on.

Believing that every argument is about fear and that every solution is an expression of love makes our experiences far more manageable. Upcoming events and past circumstances need not trouble us anymore.

We can be free—free of anxiety, free of uncertainty, free of the fear of not fitting in, free of the fear of what others might think, free of the fear of not being right. How we want to perceive the circumstances in our life is up to us. Seeing them as opportunities to express love is the benefit we receive by understanding that all of life is about love or fear.

Here are some final thoughts that can help you connect this simple rule to your daily life. These touch points are intended to serve as concise reminders of how uncomplicated it is to work toward peaceful interpersonal relationships:

1. No disagreement requires resolution, ever.


2. Recognizing the fear behind an attack allows us to feel compassion.


3. Fear is the opposite of love, but it is a cry for love nonetheless.


4. Where fear is present, separation is the root.


5. Seeing our oneness lessens our fear.


6. Fear inspires more fear.


7. Love nurtures more love.


8. Attacks are always based on fear.


9. Fear can be replaced by love with the assistance of our Higher Power.


10. Where two are fearful, only one needs to change.


11. Fear separates us.


12. Love connects us.


13. Silence softens us.

About the Author:
Karen Casey is the best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning, Daily Meditations for Practicing the Course, Keepers of the Wisdom, and numerous other books. She has also written two books for girls: Girls Only! and Girl to Girl. Karen enjoys golfing and riding her Harley with her husband. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and Naples, Florida.

© 2003 by Karen Casey
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