Episode 154 -- October 4, 2021

Stay on the Sobriety Highway by Mapping the Route

Have you ever mapped your own drinking or other drug use? It's an idea that might sound strange, but doing so might reveal patterns we never saw before. We can learn a lot by listening to professionals who work with our loved ones as they are trying to deal with us alcoholics and addicts.

In their book Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, Dr. Robert Meyers and Dr. Brenda Wolfe advise people who want to help their loved ones with substance use disorders. This book is aimed toward our friends and trusted family members, but it offers us the same lessons. We can use the ideas in this excerpt to begin mapping our own triggers and signs of drinking or drug use, as well as the pattern of consequences that so often followed our addictive behavior. This episode can be especially helpful to people in early recovery who are gathering resources to navigate the sobriety journey.

While it might be hard to read or hear material that's written about us instead of for us, it can also offer a new perspective, inviting us to think of ourselves in a new way—as people who need healing and deserve help. As you listen along, step outside yourself if you can, and try viewing yourself from the perspective of someone who loves you.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Make a Drinking Map
Life with your drinker has given you a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge about his drinking patterns. Each time you think, "I knew he'd do that" or "There she goes again," you prove it. You recognize the usual paths your loved one's behavior follows. In fact, there are probably times you feel downright psychic about what he will do next. This knowledge puts you in the unique position of being able to nudge your drinker's behavior in directions you want it to go. First, though, you need a road map. Use your experience to figure out what triggers drinking, what increases and decreases it, where you figure in the mix, and what the booby traps are. In other words, if you want to get to your destination, use a map!

A road map of drinking has three main parts. First, it describes drinking triggers. You can think of these as the highway signs that tell you an exit is coming up. Next, it describes the early signs of intoxication; you can liken this to the reduced speed signs posted on highway exits. Sometimes the intoxication signs are obvious, such as she's got a drink in one hand and is grinning like a moron. Other times you need to use your insight to know whether he's just in a bad mood or whether the highball he stopped for on the way home put him in a foul mood. In other words, you need to recognize the cues that tell you whether your drinker is still moving smoothly down the highway of sobriety or has already turned off at a drinking exit. Finally, the map shows the consequences of drinking. Once your loved one takes that drinking exit, a number of subsequent roads are available. Sometimes what you do in an effort to get your drinker to stop actually makes it more likely that she will drink. That's why it is so important not only to identify triggers and signs but also to map out what happens between the two of you when she drinks. Your map will help you figure out what leads to more drinking and what leads back to the sobriety highway and smooth driving.

Drinking Triggers
Drinking triggers are any events, moods, people, times, days, thoughts, places, or smells that lead your loved one to drink or that warn you that he is about to drink. At the point a trigger occurs, your drinker has not yet taken a drink but you can be pretty sure one is coming. These triggers are comparable to the highway signs that let you know your exit is coming up. Remember, just because a highway sign signals an upcoming exit, it does not always follow that you take that exit. Similarly, something can be a drinking trigger for your loved one even if it does not always lead to drinking. The definition of a drinking trigger for our purposes is that it often leads to drinking.

Although everyone is unique, some triggers are fairly common, like being bored, watching sports with friends, or having an overly full schedule. Try to remember all the circumstances that have often triggered your loved one to drink.

Drinking Signs
Now that you have a rough picture of what sends your drinker in search of a drink, think about how you know he has already had one. Between the first swallow and being drunk, there are usually signs that tell you someone is moving from sober to drunk. Once alcohol hits the brain, the time for reasoning and negotiating is past. Liquor and other drugs almost immediately interfere with a person's ability to think clearly. At that point, you have only two objectives. The first and most important is to remain safe. If your loved one is showing any signs of violence, you need to implement a safety. If safety is not an issue, your second objective becomes prime and that is to do nothing to encourage further drinking. The behavioral maps you develop will show you how to achieve this second goal.

What changes as your loved one begins to drink? Does he start pacing? Do her eyelids droop? Does he start looking for something to pick a fight over? Think about what signals a drinking episode has begun with your loved one. If you have trouble with this, try tracing backward from her last drunk and figuring out what happened or what she looked like each step of the way.

You should now have a pretty good picture of what situations are high-risk for drinking (that is, drinking triggers) and what signs your drinker sends as he takes that drinking exit. This completes the first and second parts of the map.

Drinking Consequences
The final part of the map outlines the consequences of drinking. The more specifically you can identify a step-by-step sequence that ends in drinking or in drinking-related problems, the easier it will be to figure out how to change that pattern.

What are the results of your loved one's drinking? Depressing as this exercise may be, without it your map will be incomplete and so will be your ability to change your situation.

Sit back for a moment and think about all the consequences caused by your loved one's drinking. Be sure to consider not only the immediate consequences such as arguments and hangovers, but also the long-term negative consequences such as financial debts, medical problems, missed opportunities, and lost friends. While you're at it, also think about any positive consequences you experience from her drinking. Odd as that sounds, it is possible that your loved one's drinking serves some useful role in your life. Perhaps it allows you to avoid an unsatisfying sexual relationship or keeps your drinker dependent on you. We're not saying there has to be a positive consequence—only that you need to honestly consider the possibility so that you don't get blindsided by it as you start making changes. Remember, knowledge is power.

Your most important task at this point is to make sure you can identify your loved one's drinking triggers, can tell when he has started drinking, and know what the consequences will most likely be. With that information on hand, you can begin to make changes. Instead of engaging in the same old dance of arguments and tears, take note of the triggers and signs and change the consequences that are within your control. You can remove yourself from the situation, change what you say, how you look, and what you do. You will see as we go along that there really is a lot you can change.

About the Author:
Robert J. Meyers, PhD, is research associate professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico. He is also the associate director of the LifeLink Training Institute in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Dr. Meyers has worked in the field of addiction for over twenty-seven years and has published several books and dozens of articles. He is well-known for his charismatic training and workshops on a variety of subjects. He is one of the originators of the Community Reinforcement Approach (CRA) for outpatient treatment and the creator of Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT).

Brenda L. Wolfe, PhD, is a clinical psychologist. In addition to her busy private practice, Dr. Wolfe is involved in research collaborations at the University of New Mexico, serves as a corporate consultant for the development of psychologically based services, and is active in various professional organizations. Her books and articles have appeared in both the popular and professional press.

© 2004 by Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe.
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