Episode 159 -- October 21, 2021

Two Ways to Improve Your Self-Care Routine

Before we got sober, taking care of ourselves may have involved getting our next fix. Some of us had the romantic notion that self-care meant an indulgent spa day with a glass or two of something alcoholic. What does self-care look like as we remove substances from our lives? What does it look like when we're also responsible for the care of others? With only twenty-four hours in a day, how do we balance meeting our needs in recovery while caring for our kids?

In her book A Sober Mom's Guide to Recovery: Taking Care of Yourself to Take Care of Your Kids, Rosemary O'Connor addresses the competing demands and daily temptations to overextend that challenge mothers at all stages of their recovery We learn, for example, how using the formula in the acronym HALT—not allowing ourselves to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired—can be a simple way to look after our own self-care.

Whether you're a mom or not, you can use the wisdom offered in this excerpt to find support and develop routines and rituals for physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self-care—steps that will help you build well-being and find hope for the future.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Before I entered recovery, a typical day for me looked like this: I'd wake up at six, jump in the shower and be dressed by six thirty. Then I'd wake up the kids for school, feed them breakfast, make their lunches, dress my two-year-old, help my five-year-old tie his shoes, and help my eight-year-old with her hair. Next it would be time to rush all of them into the car and drive them to their separate schools and daycare. Then I'd go to work. I was in sales, so I would pound the pavement drumming up business, as I needed to be the number one salesperson. By mid-afternoon I'd realize I hadn't eaten all day; I'd only had coffee. Now hungry and tired, I'd stop at the nearest Starbucks and have more coffee and a muffin. After work I'd pick up the kids from school and deliver them to all their sports activities. At home I'd pour myself a huge glass of wine, make dinner, help with homework, have another generous glass, and hurry the kids to bed. When they were finally asleep, I'd finish my sales reports along with the rest of the bottle. Then I'd collapse into bed, wake up the next morning, and do it all over again.

When I finally stumbled into the rooms of AA, I was ragged, exhausted, alone, and scared. The women in those rooms taught me how to care for myself with a simple formula known by the acronym HALT. If I was hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, I was to halt and take care of myself. Previously, I ran myself so ragged I never stopped to know if my basic needs were being met.

A bottle of wine used to work to relax me and help me escape from the stress, but in sobriety I had to find substitutes for the wine. Bubble baths became my refuge at the end of the day. Sometimes the day seemed so unbearable that I took what I call a "double bubble day": two baths in one day. When my kids started fighting, I no longer gave them a time-out. Instead I began giving myself permission to take a break.

As I continued in recovery, I accumulated a list of other self-soothing remedies that still work for me today. I make myself a cup of hot tea; curl up with my favorite fur blanket and my hot lavender neck roll. I might take a nap, read a good book, walk in nature, call a friend to ask for help, or go see a funny movie. In addition to developing healthy stress relievers, I learned to find creative releases. At first I had no idea what I could even do creatively but I asked myself what I had liked to do as a child. I remembered enjoying painting, dancing, and writing, so I started with those activities. Other than the paint supplies, none of these creative outlets cost me any money.

All of this self-care was vital to my sanity and helped me be a mother who was present and loving towards my children. However, there were days when I was so distraught and exhausted that I literally had no energy to do any of this. I would then call another sober mom and she would give me a simple suggestion for self-care along with permission to take care of myself. Occasionally, I'd have a day when I was pulling my hair out cursing at my Higher Power and screaming, "Hey, I could use a little help down here!" More than a few times there were those miracles where someone who was a good listener would show up at my door or call and offer to take my kids for a while. Those were the days when I was sure there was a Higher Power looking over me! When I found myself cursing at God or the kids, it usually meant I needed to learn what self-care really meant.

Learning to take care of myself better did not happen overnight. It took me about five years in sobriety before I could allow myself to take a day off from work if I was sick, or go to the dentist and doctor for regular check-ups. The last, but not least, step in my self-care journey was to finally clean out my closet and throw away my bar drinking clothes that didn't match who I was in recovery.

For my mental self-care, I was taught early on in recovery to journal. Today, I use my journal regularly to vent my anger, feel my feelings, write about my dreams, draw pictures, and clear all the noise in my head. I finally started reading books again. In these ways and more, over the years I have learned to slow down, turn off the phone, computer, television, and radio to enjoy the silence and just do nothing.

Meeting with my sponsor, going to women's meetings, doing a lot of therapy over the years, and crying my eyes out helped take care of my emotional side. I was always told, "Oh, Rosemary, you're so emotional," and I interpreted being emotional as a bad thing. I think what they meant was that I didn't need to kick and scream to express my emotions. I have learned over the years to embrace my emotional side yet to not let my emotions overwhelm me. I started noticing people, places, and things where I felt my spirit light up and stayed aware of where I felt my spirit was being squashed. I then chose to be around positive people who were moving forward in their lives. I went dancing, saw funny movies, went hiking with friends, went driving up the coast while playing games with my children and learning to be my own cheerleader. I stayed away from negative people and walked away from friends who relapsed and didn't want help. I also practiced letting people know when my feelings were hurt instead of lying and pretending otherwise.

I learned to rejuvenate my spirit and replenish my soul, unplug from the world and get quiet. I prayed a lot throughout the day, took time for reflection, and finally enjoyed meditation. I noticed the grace of my Higher Power working in my life in ways I couldn't explain. I have learned to accept the unknown and trust in a power greater than myself. I understand now that following my will is easy at first but gets harder as I go. God's will for me is hard to accept at first but gets easier as I go, which really means I can choose short-term gain for long-term pain or short-term pain for long-term gain. I now am awed by the sounds of the waves, the breeze blowing through the trees, birds soaring in the air and feeling the power of God in the majestic mountains surrounding the place I live.

Overall I have learned that radical self-care means treating myself with the utmost respect, compassion, and love in all areas of my life. Most important, I learned I am a work in progress, and I thank God for the recovery slogan "Progress, not perfection." When I am practicing self-care, I am in a much better position to take care of my children and be a good, healthy role model for them.

Sober Mom's Tools for Self-care

1. Make a list of five things that rejuvenate your spirit. Choose one of those things and do it twice a week. Continue doing this until it becomes a habit and a part of your regular routine.
2. Map out your "radical self-care" day. This emergency plan will be a lifesaver when you feel completely depleted and don't know what to do.

About the Author:
Rosemary O'Connor is a certified addiction recovery coach and certified professional coach. She founded ROC Recovery Services (rocrecoveryservices.com) to respond to the specific needs of women and mothers in recovery. ROC offers supportive recovery homes, recovery coaching, life coaching, sober companions, and experiential workshops to support and teach simple solutions for continued long-term recovery. Rosemary's mission is to help women recover from the devastating effects of addiction, and to teach them how to live a rewarding life of purpose and meaningful connection to self and others. In 1999, as the mother of three small children, Rosemary made the most important decision of her life: she entered into recovery from her alcoholism. A graduate of St. Mary's College of California, Rosemary lives in Northern California. She insists on having fun and loves to hike and swim in the San Francisco Bay.

© 2015 by Rosemary O'Connor
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