Episode 174 -- December 13, 2021

How to Get Unstuck in Recovery

When we're new to recovery—especially when we're newly sober—it's hard to figure out what will help us stay on our path or what we'll do when we feel stuck or run into obstacles. In the past, we haven't solved our problems as much as we've hidden from them or, even, created more of them. How do we do it? How do people with histories like ours solve problems? Thankfully, we can follow the advice of those who have gone before us. There are tools we can learn to use. We're not alone, and we don't have to make it complicated.

In his book Passages Through Recovery: An Action Plan for Preventing Relapse, Terence Gorski describes six stages of recovery—transitioning from active addiction to sobriety. He also offers advice for tackling the challenges of each stage, and skills to help us move toward long-term sobriety.

The following excerpt describes the need to continually grow and change in our lives—and to consciously choose the direction of our growth. It also discusses two different ways of coping with inevitable "stuck points" in recovery. One approach to problem-solving will help us stay sober and progress in our recovery; the other way of coping is a sure path to additional stress and unhappiness.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Continued Growth and Development
The human mind, when free from alcohol and other drugs, is designed to seek truth. My friend and mentor Father Martin says that human beings are truth-seeking creatures. As humans, we constantly seek truth; we seek the meaning and the purpose behind what we are doing. This urge to seek truth means that we are rarely satisfied for long with what we know. We constantly strive for more understanding, new challenges, and forward movement in our lives.

We grow and change from the time we are conceived until the time we die. This is just the way we are. We are not free to choose whether or not we grow and change. But we are free to choose the direction of that growth and change.

When we stop growing, a dry drunk is just around the corner. Stress builds up and eventually post-acute withdrawal symptoms emerge, triggering a loss of control and possible relapse.

Over the years of addiction, we got into the habit of denial and evasion. We believed negative emotional states are normal. We got accustomed to responding to the challenges of life with self-destructive behavior. Our bad habits can be managed, but they never completely go away. At certain times, especially times when we are tired or overburdened, self-defeating tendencies will come back. For most of us, positive growth and change require constant attention to details. Responsible living requires that we consciously choose our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. We must take time each day to think about what we are feeling, what we are doing, and how we are relating to others. We remain open to growth, we accept our fallibility, and we do the best we can with what we have.

Coping with Stuck Points in Recovery
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us it is unwise to expect "perfect" adherence to a recovery program: "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." Each of us will get stuck in our recovery process periodically. This is the most important message I have for you. Getting stuck in recovery is neither good nor bad; it simply is.

Those of us who are successful in recovery cope with our stuck points through a process of recognition and problem solving. We learn how to recognize we are having a problem and that we are stuck in our recovery. We accept this as OK, knowing that as fallible human beings, we reserve the right to make mistakes and encounter problems we don't know how to cope with. We detach from the problem while we seek help from others. Finally, when we are prepared, we take responsible action.

The RADAR Approach to Problem Solving
We can perhaps best remember this process by using the acronym RADAR. The "R" stands for recognize. To recognize means to know that we are stuck. The first "A" stands for accept. We not only recognize we are stuck, but we also know it is OK; there is nothing to be ashamed about or feel guilty for. We understand we are fallible human beings who periodically have life problems. The "D" stands for detach. We turn our problems over. This means we back off and gain perspective. The second "A" stands for accept help. We turn to a Higher Power for courage, strength, and hope. We turn to other people for help and support. The final "R" stands for respond with action. Problems just don't go away; we need to solve them. We take positive action to get unstuck.

People who experience low-quality sobriety and eventually relapse cope with stuck points in a very different way. Rather than recognize they are stuck, they evade or deny problems, creating stress. They might deny this stress or blame it on someone or something else. Their stress fuels other compulsive behaviors such as overeating, overworking, overexercising, compulsive sexuality, or addictive relationships. These substitute compulsions or addictions are used to relieve the stress of constant denial, blocking awareness of real problems in recovery.

Substitute compulsions relieve stress in the short run, but weaken people in the long run. People who substitute compulsions to manage stress feel good now, but hurt later. As a result, more stress symptoms develop and get worse.

If we are trying to cope with stress this way, we lock onto the problem, hide it from others, and blindly struggle ahead without thinking. We avoid others and develop new problems resulting from our isolation. We meet every new problem with more denial and evasion. We deny problems. We deny the need to do anything about them. We deny the need for help.

The ESCAPE Style of Coping
The denial/evasion style of coping can be remembered by using the acronym ESCAPE. The first "E" is for evasion and denial of the stuck point or problem. The "S" stands for the stress that naturally follows. The mind is designed to seek truth. Anytime we deny reality, we turn our mind off. This takes energy and puts stress and strain on the body. The "C" is for compulsive behavior. Stress causes uncomfortable feelings. Compulsive behaviors temporarily distract us from these feelings. At times, compulsions become so strong that they become addictions. (Never underestimate the great number of people recovering from substance use disorders who have simply traded addiction to a substance for another compulsion.) "A" is for avoidance of others. Compulsive behavior drives others away and we become isolated and alone. "P" is for the new problems that come from stress, compulsive behaviors, and isolation. These problems get worse. The second "E" is for evasion and denial of the new problems, which start the vicious cycle of self-defeating behavior again. Each cycle drains more energy. We weaken until our ability to cope is seriously impaired.

It is important to understand addictive coping. Anytime we choose to cope through denial and drain off our stress through addictive behaviors, it weakens us. I don't think there is such a thing as positive addiction. All addictions are negative because they feel good now and cause pain later. They give us the illusion of strength and confidence, but they lower the quality of our lives and increase our vulnerability to stress and problems.

Putting It All Together
In short, the effective way to cope with problems in sobriety is to turn on our consciousness. When something is wrong, we must become aware of it, acknowledge it, and discuss it with others. It is important to examine our history to learn from past mistakes. If we don't learn from history, we are condemned to repeat it. It is important to have a plan of action. What will we do differently in the future? Earnie Larsen puts it well when he says, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." We need to do something different if we are going to grow and change. Most important, we need to focus on what we are doing in the here and now. Abraham Maslow studied healthy, fully functioning people and found them to be time competent. A time-competent person is not trapped in the past, the present, or the future. The time-competent person can move fluidly from present to past, past to present, present to future, and future to present. We tend to spend about 60 percent of our waking consciousness enjoying the immediate here and now. We spend about 40 percent of our time going back into the past or fantasizing about the future. Studying the past helps us to learn from our past experiences, both successes and failures. Fantasizing about the future allows us to develop a viable action plan that will get us there. The attention to the here and now allows us to do what is necessary to bridge the gap between past and future, and to learn how to enjoy the journey.

About the Author:
Terence T. Gorski, M.A., C.A.C., was a nationally recognized lecturer, an acknowledged leader in the addiction and codependency fields, and a workshop facilitator specializing in relapse prevention, intimacy in recovery, and treating adult children of alcoholics who have substance use disorders. From his decades of clinical experience and research, Gorski developed a comprehensive approach to recovery that revolutionized the field of relapse prevention. Gorski passed away in 2020.

© 1989 by Terence T. Gorski
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