Episode 175 -- December 16, 2021

By the time we enter early recovery, most of us know that we need help and we're willing to accept it. This may be true even if we don't recognize our own role in causing our problems—or that we can take an active role in solving them. Helping ourselves starts with humility. We need to acknowledge our character defects or shortcomings—the "rocks" holding us back—in order to change our ways and develop a new pattern of thinking, acting, and living.

In Drop the Rock: Removing Our Character Defects, Bill P., Todd W., and Sara S. discuss the principles behind the Sixth and Seventh Steps, not only for understanding but for action—so we can transform our lives and our relationships in recovery. In the following excerpt, we examine Step Seven: "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings" and how we can positively approach this Step and its benefits. We also hear about how exploring and embracing humility helped a woman named Joan in her recovery.

We need to drop the rock of our pride so that we can ask for our character defects to be removed. Whether we rely on God or a different Higher Power, we will find more success when we ask the Power greater than ourselves to remove our character defects. But first, we need to see them and name them.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

The key ingredient in living the Seventh Step is humility. There is not another subject in the Program that causes more confusion than humility. It seems that every old-timer has his or her favorite definition. We all seem to get humility and humiliation confused, and many of us have a stereotypical ideal of humility—a spiritual pauper wearing sackcloth and ashes.

The Twelve Step way of life is humble but not in any way meek. The picture many of us have of a humble person is someone afraid of his or her own shadow, whose self-image is so low that this person is afraid to stand up for him- or herself. We learn that this image of humility is not what is meant in the Program. We realize that the people who have stayed abstinent for some time practice a degree of humility that was foreign to them prior to recovery.

For those who have made progress in their Program, humility is simply a clear recognition of what and who they are. They have gotten down to their own right size. Humility is understanding that they're worthwhile. It's the middle ground between the extremes of grandiosity and intense shame. They have a sincere desire to be and become the best they can be. Today we remember that humility is not being meek. It is being our true selves. Humility for us means staying our right size—and remembering we are as humble as we are grateful.

Humility is an attitude. As such, it must be practiced to be maintained, and it must become a discipline to be developed, just like every other attitude. In developing humility, we are faced once again with an "active surrender." In asking God to remove our shortcomings, we must move and act in a manner that reflects our willingness and surrender.

Humility is our acceptance of ourselves. It is strange how we can go to school and learn a lot of facts but never learn much along the way about ourselves. We can take up nursing, teaching, counseling, and giving ourselves to the needs of others, while never having our own needs met.

Why does it seem as if it is easier to solve the problems of the world than to solve our own problems? Why do we love the drama of focusing on our problems? We simply don't know ourselves very well. When we look into a mirror and attempt to understand ourselves, our conclusions about what we see are usually very different from what a friend sees. When we finally work the Sixth and Seventh Steps, and take the time and make ourselves a priority, we usually make a startling discovery. There exists within us, at all times, a Higher Power that is the builder of all successes and our comforter during times of trial.

Many of us believe the understanding of ourselves is in direct relation to our understanding and contact with our Higher Power. The image we see and the identity we have is one of humility before that Power. Humility is our acceptance of ourselves based on our continual surrender.

An aspect of humility that is often talked about at meetings is that of being teachable. If we are humble, we are open to new ideas and new ways of seeing things. Open-mindedness is a very important part of humility. We don't know it all. There is still more we can learn. And maybe even more important, some we need to unlearn. Yet, how many of us in the Program aren't open to new ideas and thoughts? Especially after having been around awhile, how many do we see who continue to say and do the exact same things year after year? It seems that many of us resist a clear idea of humility so we don't have to conform to it.

An Illustration of Humility
Here's how Joan describes the role of humility in her journey of recovery:

What is it about Step Seven that causes so much confusion and apathy? How come we can be in the Program for years and still not have a good idea what the Step means? Are we so blinded by pride that we can't see the beauty of humility and the benefits of this Step? Who needs humility anyway?

The idea that I might need humility is not a new one. Even during the years of my active addiction, with the lying and bragging, it was not all that uncommon for someone to tell me to get real (not a bad working definition for humility, I think). After I started in recovery, my sponsor was fond of pointing out that my way was what landed me in so much difficulty—maybe it was time to look for another way.

The word "humbly" is awfully hard for me to swallow. Besides that, there is something else that made Step Seven an obstacle for me. It calls for yet one more contact with God—and one that is open and willing for change. This is not just about having an attitude or being ready. This is about being serious about change and doing something about it. No wonder we avoid dealing with this Step.

In the process of working the First through the Sixth Steps, I gained an ability to move through my fear and look toward God. I learned to talk honestly and openly in meetings and to share my limits and fears with another human in an inventory. With the Seventh, however, the situation is different. It is suggesting that since I've done the groundwork, now is the time to "humbly" ask to change those things that stand in my way.

I was very afraid of approaching God this way. I don't know why. After all, this is the God who saved me and let me move into the Program and begin a new life. Why was I balking? I had to stop in the middle of working the Seventh Step and do a mini-inventory. I found that I had relapsed into an old form of pride. I was angry with my inability to work out my shortcomings on my own! I knew I had to relearn that if I stuck to my way of thinking and doing, I was doomed to repeatedly hook into my shortcomings. I had to get real.

When I became willing to start looking at these issues in recovery, it was from a much different viewpoint. It shouldn't have been surprising that it was difficult to develop humility given the circumstances, but it was. I was used to arrogantly demanding spiritual enlightenment or groveling melodramatically for forgiveness. It was a whole different way of being to move toward humility. Gentleness and patience were new to me.

Thank God that by working through the Steps and opening up to any amount of humility I was capable of, things began to change. Humility became a goal and a quality, rather than an obstacle and an obnoxious trait. I've come to know the Seventh Step as an action Step that moves one into humility. By asking, we become humble and the more we ask and open up, the more humility we can receive. These are the ideas that lead me into the area of God-readiness and the ability to change and grow—by asking.

© 2005 by Hazelden Foundation. First Edition Published by Glen Abbey Books, Inc. 1993. First Published by Hazelden 1999. Second Edition 2005.
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