Episode 185 -- January 20, 2022

In life, mistakes and memories may come back to haunt us. It's easy to get stuck in the past, reliving conversations and events in our heads. In recovery—specifically if we are in a Twelve Step program—addressing these issues can help us move forward with our sobriety. However, we must be willing to forgive others and, most importantly, ourselves.

In his book The Spiritual Self: Reflections on Recovery and God, Abraham J. Twerski helps us understand the meaning of spirituality and the role of forgiveness. Dr. Twerski offers insight on how to nurture our relationship with God while in recovery.

In the following excerpt, Twerski explains the difference between contrition and remorse. It is okay to reflect on our wrongdoings if this kind of awareness will lead to constructive action. Remorse is less helpful. Feeling bad keeps us stuck in the past, which prevents our spiritual growth. As a positive action, contrition keeps us from becoming fixated on mistakes, while also improving our character. As we settle into recovery, this excerpt is a perfect reminder to let go of regrets and look toward the future for hope.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Contrition
In Twelve Step groups, character refinement is contingent upon several important components of the Steps: an inventory, frankly admitting one's defects, ridding oneself of these defects, and making amends. Obviously, without knowledge of one's defects, no corrective action is possible.

There is, however, a pitfall for which we must be on the alert. Whereas awareness should lead to constructive corrective action, it may produce a detour into remorse, and this can be a costly deviation.

I would like to define terms. The term remorse, as used here, refers to self-pity. It stands in sharp contrast to contrition, in which we are aware of wrongdoing and take corrective measures to right matters or at least prevent a recurrence of past blunders, hurts, or simple mistakes. Remorse, on the other hand, consists of feeling sorry for ourselves and wallowing in self-pity. It is easy to mistake remorse for contrition, but the two are poles apart. Veterans in the recovery program know that when a person is displaying remorse or feeling self-pity, the next drink could be close at hand.

We have established the importance of self-esteem in spirituality, and it is again of crucial importance here. If we own an expensive garment that becomes stained, we feel badly that this has happened and take the proper steps to have the stain removed and restore the garment to its original beauty. Indeed, we would pick and choose to make certain that we employ the finest cleaner who will remove the stain carefully, so as not to do damage to the delicate garment. Similarly, if we value ourselves, discovering a blemish on our character will stimulate us to take the necessary steps to remove it carefully.

Character improvement can be hard work, but by no means does this preclude enjoying it. Persons who thoroughly clean their homes may have to exert themselves quite strenuously, but the knowledge that the house will be clean allows them to enjoy what they are doing, the hard work notwithstanding.

A spiritual life should be an enjoyable one. As one veteran of AA said, "If you are not enjoying sobriety, you are doing it wrong."

There are people who ruminate over the past and become fixated on mistakes they have made. Their demeanor is dejected, as reflected in their somber facial expressions, slowness of activity, lack of initiative, and morbid attitude. It is easy to assume that this remorse is a sincere regret for the past and a sign of their spiritual values, but nothing could be further from the truth. The essence of a spiritual life is to fulfill our mission in life, and when we are in a state of inaction, paralyzed by depression, we can accomplish nothing.

There is a difference between recalling our mistakes and obsessively ruminating about them. One particular story demonstrates this well. When lost in a forest, an individual would take a particular path, and if it did not lead out of the forest, the person would make a mark on a tree to indicate that this was one path not to try again. This is the sole purpose of remembering what we have done wrong: to avoid repeating mistakes. Making amends wherever possible is responsible behavior and the only decent thing we can do, but brooding over past mistakes does not accomplish anything for anyone.

We have already noted that it is important to give up the delusion of control. Sensible thinking will lead to the obvious conclusion that although we can often make amends, the past cannot be undone. What possible purpose can there be in ruminating over the past? It is evident that rumination is really only an extension of the delusion of control, where we refuse to relinquish the past and obstinately preoccupy ourselves with it as though we could still change it. Brooding over the past is nothing more than an absurd belief that we can change the past! Since this is obviously doomed to fail, it is understandable why such preoccupation leads to drinking, drug using, bingeing, and other destructive behaviors that are pathological responses to distress, in this case the distress of frustration as we are trying to accomplish the impossible.

Just as some people have difficulty with letting go of the past, some people have difficulty with forgiveness. They cannot forgive others and then cannot forgive themselves, and usually both go together. Simple, rational thinking will pose the question, "What is it that you want me to do about my misbehavior of the past? It is understandable that I should try to compensate wherever possible, but beyond that, what else can I do? Will anyone benefit by my wearing sackcloth and flagellating myself?"

Clearly we cannot dismiss mistakes with a superficial apology. Simply saying "I'm sorry" is not a magic incantation that can eradicate wrongs that were done. However, when a misdeed is sincerely regretted and we have made a dedicated commitment not to repeat the misdeed, refusal to forgive is cruel. This is as much a refusal to forgive ourselves as it is a refusal to forgive others.

Harboring resentments drains our energies. One recovering alcoholic expressed this quaintly, "Harboring resentments is letting someone you don't like live inside your head rent-free." Since two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time, the mind that is occupied with resentments cannot accommodate constructive thinking. Again, this is equally valid when we hold resentments against ourselves.

Spirituality is a positive process. There is no room for negative attitudes in spirituality.

About the Author:
Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., was the founder and medical director of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. A rabbi, psychiatrist, and addiction counselor, he wrote many journal articles and books, including Self-Discovery in Recovery and When Do the Good Things Start? with "Peanuts" cartoonist Charles Schulz. Dr. Twerski passed away in January of 2021.

© 2000 by Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
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