"Giving yourself room for mistakes or even to accept that life sometimes gets in the way allows you to accept yourself unconditionally."
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Episode 191 -- February 10, 2022
Change Your Words to Change Your Thoughts
In early recovery, it can be tricky to find a healthy balance between low expectations and impossibly high ones. We can feel pressure to abide by what "must" or "should" happen—reacting in anger when anyone fails to rise to these standards—including ourselves. An inflexible way of thinking is not living free; it only adds more judgment to our lives. Giving ourselves and those around us some grace can allow us to be more open to the evolving world.
In their book What Went Right: Reframe Your Thinking for a Happier Now, Michael Wetter and Eileen Bailey provide easy-to-understand ways to recognize and interrupt self-defeating thought processes. This includes our rigid black and white thinking and our problems with managing expectations.
In the following excerpt, Wetter and Bailey describe a thinking pattern that enforces unrealistic standards which can set us up to feel guilty when we fall off path. The authors explain how "should-and-must statements" are defense mechanisms and address the negative impact these kinds of patterns have on our self-esteem and relationships. They invite us to reconstruct our thinking and change our wording to express preferences rather than demands.
This excerpt has been edited for brevity.
Albert Ellis, often referred to as the father of cognitive-behavioral therapy with his development of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), coined the term must-erbations to describe a thinking pattern that's inflexible and rigid. You hold strong beliefs about your behaviors, the behaviors of others, and the world around you. You believe that everyone should follow the rules you live by. "Would have, should have, and could have" are all allusions to idealism and perfectionism, but they aren't necessarily grounded in reality.
When you hold your own behaviors up to this type of unrealistic standard, you end up feeling guilty, ashamed, and unworthy. When your should-and-must statements are aimed at others, you often end up feeling frustrated, angry, or resentful.
In cognitive restructuring, the goal is to change these demanding thoughts to ones of preference. For example, Amber could change her thinking to "I prefer to be on time to appointments but understand that sometimes things happen to make me late." Amber's first statement, "I must always be on time," is actually a criticism of herself: she's saying, "If I am late, I'm a bad person." Every time she is late, it reinforces her negative view of herself. Changing wording to a preference, rather than a demand, shows acceptance and allows Amber to be late occasionally without believing she's a bad person.
WORDS TO AVOID
As with other types of problematic thinking processes, some key words signal must-erbations. Pay attention to how often you use the words should, must, or ought. While the phrases have to or need to sometimes mean the same thing, they don't always signal a should-or-must thought.When you catch yourself using these words or phrases, write them down in your journal. Then write down a more balanced way of looking at the situation, and make it a preference rather than a demand. In the beginning, this might be difficult because your first thought is to find another way to say must or should. For example, you might change "I should be on time" to "I need to be on time." Because you use your must-erbations so frequently, they might feel balanced to you. The first step is to notice how often you use these types of words and then find a way to make your statement a preference rather than a demand.
HOW MUST-ERBATIONS AFFECT SELF-ESTEEM
When you participate in should-and-must thinking, it's hard to feel good about yourself. You constantly live by a set of rigid and unrealistic expectations, and then you feel lousy when you don't reach them. Usually you create these types of statements as a defense mechanism. You use them to give yourself some control over your behaviors, the behaviors of the people around you, and the world. You use them to try to avoid pain and discomfort: you believe that if everything works exactly as it should, then you'll feel comfortable and secure. The problem is, things very rarely work exactly as they should or exactly as planned. Instead of feeling better, you end up feeling worse.
Day after day, as you disappoint yourself based on unrealistic expectations, your self-esteem takes hit after hit. You consistently miss reaching your goals or your expectations because you have made them unrealistic. You don't see any other way—it has to be your way or you have failed. It's important to note how different problematic thinking processes work together. When you don't meet your inflexible expectations, such as "I must never be late," you see yourself as a failure. This is combining all-or-nothing thinking with should-and-must thinking. As with all-or-nothing thinking, modifying your expectations or creating preferences rather than demands isn't lowering your worth; it is raising it. Giving yourself room for mistakes or even to accept that life sometimes gets in the way allows you to accept yourself unconditionally.
SHOULD-AND-MUST THINKING IN RELATIONSHIPS
In the following example, Victoria placed her own expectations as to how her husband should act on his shoulders.
Victoria notices the brakes on her car aren't acting right. She drops it off at the auto mechanic's shop on the way home from work. She calls her husband, Gary, and asks him to pick her up on the way home. After giving the mechanic her keys and a description of the problem, she sits outside to wait. An hour later she is still waiting. By this time, she's furious. Gary knows he is supposed to pick her up. He knows she will be sitting and waiting. Where is he? Why is he leaving her waiting? He should make sure he is on time. He should be there already. Finally, Gary shows up. Victoria is furious. "Where have you been?" she yells. It turns out that he had tried a different route, one that he thought would be shorter, but he ended up sitting in traffic. "What were you thinking?" Victoria says. "You should have taken the normal route. You would have been here long ago if you had. You know you should listen to traffic reports before choosing a route."
Victoria was angry when her husband didn't behave according to her rules and expectations. When someone doesn't act, feel, or think the way we think he should, we often become hurt or angry. However, it isn't someone else's behavior that triggers these emotions. It is your perception and reaction to the situation that cause your emotions.
Of course, there are times when the actions of others are inconsiderate, immoral, illegal, or unethical. There are times when someone else's actions feel like a betrayal of your trust. Take the case of Rachel, for example.
Ichiro is planning to meet a friend, Rachel, for lunch. At the last minute, Rachel texts Ichiro to tell him she isn't feeling well and cancels. He is disappointed. Later, Ichiro sees Rachel at a restaurant with some other people. She is laughing and talking and doesn't look sick at all. He feels betrayed that his friend lied. Rachel has made him feel hurt and angry.
As much as it seems to Ichiro that Rachel "made him" angry, it's really that she didn't live up to his expectation that friends don't lie to one another. While this is a good rule to live by, you cannot force this rule upon others. Each person must make his or her own choices. Ichiro might ask her to explain why she lied or decide not to make further plans with her. Changing your wording from "You made me angry" to "I feel angry about your behavior" can help you look at the situation from a different perspective and understand that it's irrational and ineffective for you to demand that other people always behave in a way aligned with your expectations, even when your expectations reflect a societal norm like "it's wrong to lie."
A TIP FOR CHANGING SHOULD-AND-MUST THOUGHTS
Using a thought diary or journal, write down every time you catch yourself using must-erbations. Write down which musterbation you used and details about the situation. Once you have written down several, notice whether there are themes, such as using must-erbations when you are under stress, feeling overwhelmed, or feeling frustrated, or if you use these types of statements when talking to certain people in your life.
A FINAL THOUGHT
If you consistently use should-and-must statements, your reaction to this chapter might be "I should stop using should-and-must statements." Remember, changing your thought patterns is a process; it doesn't happen overnight. Be compassionate with yourself. If you catch yourself falling back into old patterns, use your thought journal to find a more balanced way of looking at yourself, others, and the world around you. Instead, you might want to say, "I prefer not using should-and-must statements, but if I do, I know that I am doing my best, and with practice I won't use them as often as I do now." Be careful not to judge your judging.
About the Author:
Dr. Michael G. Wetter is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in adolescent and adult populations. He has served on the faculty and staff of several leading national medical organizations including Kaiser Permanente, is on staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, and is a subject matter expert for the California State Licensing Board of Psychology. Dr. Wetter is a nationally recognized expert in the field of psychology and is a guest lecturer, training other psychologists and mental health professionals. Dr. Wetter has served as an expert consultant on numerous television programs, as well as to newspapers such as the Washington Post, Boston Globe, and Atlanta Journal-Constitution and to magazines like Men's Health, Forbes, Prevention, and Redbook.
Eileen Bailey is a freelance writer specializing in mental and emotional health issues. She writes for numerous health and wellness websites and is lead writer for both ADHD and anxiety on HealthCentral.com as well as a contributing writer for ADDitude magazine online (www .additudemag.com). She is the co-author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adult ADHD, Idiot's Guides: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, The Essential Guide to Overcoming Obsessive Love, and The Essential Guide to Asperger's Syndro
© 2016 by Michael G. Wetter and Eileen Bailey
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