Episode 197 -- March 3, 2022

In early recovery, it can be difficult to admit that we cannot manage our addiction. Maybe because we already feel powerless in so many other areas of our lives. But when we give up the struggle to control everything, we can focus on areas where we do have control. This is how we can begin and continue our road to recovery and find our true source of power within.

In her book A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps, Dr. Stephanie Covington explores the Twelve Steps through the lens of women's experiences with addiction and recovery. The following excerpt invites us to reconsider the word "powerless" as it's used in the First Step: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."

In this excerpt, Covington writes about the endless and disempowering loop of addiction, and the paradoxical way the First Step helps us break that cycle. She shares the experience of women who came to feel a new sense of power through admitting their powerlessness over addiction, and how this perspective helped their sobriety journey. Recovery is about empowerment—finding and using our inner strength—even when we have just admitted our powerlessness.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

THE ENDLESS LOOP OF ADDICTION

One way to let go of our illusion of control and begin to recognize our powerlessness is to look at the endless cycle of our addiction. We use alcohol or drugs (or food or relationships) to change how we feel—to numb our pain or to feel better about ourselves or to forget our problems. But the change is only temporary. Reality swiftly returns when we wake up the next morning with the same feelings and the same problems—along with a hangover and perhaps guilt about what we had done while drinking or using drugs.

We swear to ourselves that this will never happen again. But in spite of our best intentions, we find ourselves drunk or high again, caught in a cycle of using and regretting, using and regretting—the endless loop that is known as addiction. Having lost control, we feel frustrated, despondent, hopeless, even disgusted with ourselves. There is a saying in AA about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. When we reach this point, we are ready to recognize the truth.

The truth is, no matter how desperate we feel or how sincerely we believed we would "never drink like that again," we couldn't force ourselves to stop. We can't overpower an addiction. An addiction is beyond our power to control. Only when we admit we are powerless over how we use alcohol or drugs can we begin to be free. Only when we realize we can't quit any time we like do we finally have a chance to stop the cycle.

ARE WE REALLY POWERLESS?

The word powerless is a problem for many people. Many of us were taught to let something or someone else control our lives. It can be difficult to acknowledge we are powerless over our addictions because we already feel powerless in so many other areas of our lives. Admitting powerlessness may appear to be one more instance of our familiar one-down position. It seems like too much to ask of us.

Yet only when we admit our powerlessness and lack of control over our addiction can we begin to find out where we truly have power in our lives. This is the first of many paradoxes we experience in recovery.

For women, recovery is about empowerment—finding and using our true inner power. It may seem contradictory to claim our power when we've just admitted our powerlessness, but actually we are made more powerful by this admission. How can this be true? It's very simple. By admitting our powerlessness over our addiction, we are freeing ourselves to turn our attention to areas where we do have control. When we give up the struggle to control the things we can't control, we begin to discover our true source of power.

Questioning the idea of powerlessness doesn't mean we abandon or ignore Step One. Many women who have walked the Twelve Step path translate this Step into words that help them discover how the ideas of powerlessness and unmanageability fit their personal experience. We have the freedom to interpret this Step in whatever way helps us recognize the power of our addiction.

The idea of powerlessness made Sandy, who sought help for her destructive relationships as well as her addiction to alcohol and drugs, feel even more depressed than when she was using. It was helpful for her to use different words to think about this Step. "To say I was powerless was not good for me," she recalls. "It didn't feel right. My body responded with a drop in energy. Rather than powerless, I use the word surrender—as in surrendering to the truth. I surrender because I cannot control the amount and the way I use." For Sandy, admitting powerlessness and unmanageability was an act of surrender that began her recovery journey.

Some of us may not question our feelings about powerlessness because we have learned that others find us more attractive if we have less power. As women, we often receive messages, directly and indirectly, that we are more feminine, more acceptable, more lovable when we have little or no power. It is important that we not confuse our desire for approval with our powerlessness over our addiction. It is especially important for women to acknowledge the power of their addictions while discovering their personal power through recovery.

"As a woman, I need to claim my power," says Sandy. "I am empowered when I look inside and ask myself, What do I think? What do I feel? What are my options?' I start figuring out what's true for me—not whether it will please other people or make them happy. I don't want to be insensitive to others, but I also need to be more sensitive to myself."

Maria, a physician in her sixties, has given serious thought to power and powerlessness. Maria descended into full-blown alcoholism following her divorce and became sober after going through several detox programs. Because she had achieved success in a competitive profession, at first she was concerned about admitting powerlessness—it felt too much like giving up and giving in. Only after much soul-searching was she able to see powerlessness as a way to prevent the further loss of her power.

"Women have always been powerless," says Maria. "So admitting I'm powerless over alcohol is really a way to keep the power I do have. I'm admitting that there's something I can't control and that by trying to control it, I am going to lose even more power than I'd already lost by virtue of my being female."

Like Sandy, Maria focuses on enhancing the power she has gained through her recovery rather than thinking of herself as a powerless person. Now that she is sober, she expresses her feelings and asserts herself without agonizing about what people think of her. This, she knows, gives her a true sense of personal power. But she recognizes that this power does not mean she has control over her drinking. The drinking is out of her control.

LOOKING INSIDE

If we enter recovery for someone other than ourselves, we may not think powerlessness is the problem. Instead it probably seems as if someone else has the problem. Many of us try to get sober or stay abstinent because families or friends want us to, or because the court sent us to a recovery program. We attend meetings to please or obey someone, or maybe to reduce tension at home.

Many of us enter recovery without an awareness of our inner needs and with no sense of being powerless. It may take a while to believe we are addicted or to admit that our drinking or using other drugs causes us unhappiness and conflict.

The first step in recovery is to look inside ourselves. Turning inward is the beginning of becoming more truthful with ourselves. Honesty is essential because our addictions thrive on dishonesty: we have become accustomed to hiding from our true feelings and values.

As difficult as it is, we need to let ourselves admit our powerlessness and feel our discomfort. This is how we'll stop the cycle of drinking and using and open the door to our inner self.

About the Author:
Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., is a nationally recognized clinician, author, organizational consultant, and lecturer. A pioneer in the field of women's issues and addiction and recovery for many years, she has developed an innovative, gender-responsive approach to address the treatment needs of women and girls that results in effective services in public, private, and institutional settings. Her clients include treatment and correctional settings.

© 1994 by Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D., L.C.S.W.
All rights reserved