Episode 221 -- May 26, 2022

When we were actively using, we might have avoided conflict, or maybe we started fights or used relational chaos to hide or protect our addiction. We also attached ourselves to people who only told us what we wanted to hear. In recovery, we're learning how to use new strategies to handle all kinds of feelings and situations, including relationships that involve conflicts or disagreements. We're also learning how to trust other people, ask for help, and use feedback from wise and supportive people like sponsors or peers. In her new book Conscious Service: Ten Ways to Reclaim Your Calling, Move beyond Burnout, and Make a Difference without Sacrificing Yourself, Elizabeth Bishop calls these people "Safe Sounding Boards."

In the following excerpt, Bishop describes what to look for in a Safe Sounding Board, and how to build these relationships before we need them. Tapping the insights and support of people who know and care for us, especially when anger or fear might be clouding our judgment, can help us navigate difficult situations without losing our cool or threatening our recovery.

Conflict is part of every life. We don't have to let it poison our days and nights or throw our sobriety off track. With the right support and perspective, we can use these times of discomfort to grow. As we do, we can learn to become Safe Sounding Boards for others and pass along the gifts of serenity and hope.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

How do you feel when you think about being in conflict with someone? Most of us dread this part of community life. If you're like me, the prospect of open conflict makes you clench up. Our throats close and our insides become knotted. Fear leads us to imagine that facing the conflict will have disastrous outcomes. Our self-protective egos tell us we are better off avoiding the disagreement and anyone connected to it. Call in sick. Fake a cramp. Run and hide.

If left untended, however, conflict only gets worse and our discontent brews and amplifies, leading to an ongoing sense of irritation. That irritation will play out in our interactions with the other person—our tone of voice, our quick dismissal of anything they say—and it will inevitably affect us in truly negative ways. Long-standing low-grade annoyance rooted in unresolved conflicts with others is a slow and invisible killer of your spirit and your capacity for compassion.

It also hurts, slows, and complicates whatever you're trying to do together.

When conflict arises in a community and you have a responsibility for addressing it, a great way to start is by processing your options with a person you think of as a safe sounding board. Safe sounding boards are people you trust who can offer you sacred space for reflection, support, and redirection.

Together with a safe sounding board, you can experiment with ideas and test possible responses before you go into a conflict-heavy situation. You can float ideas and concerns in exchange for impressions or opinions. This feedback is crucial when you need clarity or simply another perspective on the matter.

In practical terms, safe sounding boards embody unconditional acceptance and respect. The ability to listen with openness and support is the primary qualification. The best sounding boards are able to provide an engaged and focused presence—even if you're angry or upset or emotionally activated.

Your safe sounding board sees you, beyond whatever you're experiencing at the moment. They know you to be capable and are highly skilled at transcending their own judgment. You've selected this person because you know that you will not lose their respect, no matter what you divulge.

It may be tempting to try and recruit your safe sounding board to your side of the conflict. This is natural. We all want and need allies. But this person is not here to fight. They are on your side without taking sides. They will not add fuel to the fire. They will not provide you with reasons to stay angry, hurt, powerless, and frightened. Their task in this role is to help you shift away from the heat and emotion of your struggle and to encourage you to see more deeply into the learning opportunity it offers.

Safe sounding boards are like champions who help you keep your eyes on the prize. They don't try to protect you from experiences that are designed for your growth, because they know you've got what it takes to master the challenge.

Choose your sounding boards carefully. Identify these people before you're mired in conflict, while you're self-connected and thinking clearly about what you'll need, a state that might be harder to reach after an upsetting conflict arises. You may want to seek out someone who has a di¿erent worldview than you. A contrasting perspective can be helpful.

Your sounding board must also be able to listen without defensiveness. If your respect for a person under consideration as a sounding board is at all tentative, do not ask them to fill this role. You are not likely to clearly hear their input, let alone consider what they offer as an option for your growth.

As you speak with your sounding board, work to remain open and receptive. Center yourself before you begin. Ensure that your heart feels safe and protected enough to receive whatever may arise. This fosters self-trust and a sense of control. Know that you can stop the conversation at any moment and come back when you feel ready.

In this state of open receptivity, it will be easier to let go of your defenses and suspend your own judgment as you receive feedback. You will be more able to remain in a state of curiosity as you consider any questions your safe sounding board might pose. In the safety of this space, you can begin to detach from the outcomes that you thought you wanted and open to alternatives and possibilities.

In the midst of our struggles, it can be extremely difficult to resist the urge to defend ourselves. If we feel we have been wronged, it's hard to consider what part we have played in the whole mess. Safe sounding boards encourage us to do that in loving and nonconfrontational ways, always with the intent to grow.

Life is one big learning journey. There are opportunities to grow and expand every day. Sometimes these opportunities arrive wrapped in delight and ease, and sometimes they come salted with conflict. There is always something new to discover. Safe sounding boards can provide powerful support for this process.

Whom do you go to for the kind of feedback a safe sounding board can provide?
What steps can you take to become a sounding board for someone else?

About the Author:
Elizabeth Bishop is the creator of The Conscious Service Approach™—practical principles designed to enhance both the experience of service providers and the quality of service they offer. She has taught at the post-secondary level for more than twenty-five years. Through teaching, writing, podcasts, and organizational consulting, Bishop facilitates an ongoing international discussion about what it means to be of service. Conscious Service is her first book.

© 2022 by Elizabeth Bishop
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