Episode 223 -- June 2, 2022

Sixth Step: Surrender and Trust

Many of us in a Twelve Step Program may struggle with The Sixth Step: "We became willing to ask God to help us remove our defects of character." This can be one of the more challenging steps because it involves surrender and trust, not self-determination. We do not choose which defects God will remove. We will find that living with some defects continues to teach us humility.

In their book Drop the Rock: Removing Character Defects, Bill P and Todd W focus on Steps Six and Seven. This classic guide contains personal stories and practical advice intended to help us navigate the Twelve Steps and move forward in recovery.

The following excerpt examines the logic of Step Six, and why it makes sense to have a whole Step about readiness and willingness after the work of Steps One through Five. We hear from Deb, who reassures us not to feel pressured to change immediately. All the Sixth Step requires is that we're ready to become willing. We can work on our attitude and pray about it. This involves relaxation, reflection, and trusting our Higher Power.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Step Six requires us to stop struggling. It is time to acknowledge that we need help. Not only help to stop our addiction but help in living better lives. Having gone through Steps Four and Five, we become aware of our defects of character. Perhaps pride and thoughts of superiority are blocking the way to serenity. Or it may be the habit of judging others. Perhaps it is a deep resentment, envy, or self-pity that keeps us in turmoil.

It is good to read Step Six over and over. It is brief and to the point. All it requires is becoming ready to become willing. We don't have to achieve change immediately. We can work on our attitude of mind and pray about it. We can think it over and see that our lives can become more trouble-free when we rid ourselves of destructive habits.

Step Six tells us to relax. We don't do it all alone. Reflect. We turn to our Higher Power with confidence. Think of the relief that is waiting once we become entirely ready. It's like heading into a hot shower after working at a grubby chore. Feeling the dirt wash away is great. We emerge refreshed and shining and ready to deal with whatever comes our way.

We affirm to our Higher Power that we are ready to have God remove our defects. We continue in close and loving contact with God while we do our part in working on our shortcomings. Once we allow room for God to work in our lives, we are making it possible for wonderful changes to take place. We become more in balance with right-living principles. We all know individuals in recovery who have given up the booze or another addiction, yet they are staying dry or abstinent only by redirecting their intense inner misery into the lives of others. They won't work the Sixth and Seventh Steps.

We'll be discussing the Sixth Step in terms of surrender. Surrender is mentioned many times in the Program, in many different contexts, yet it can be confusing and possibly misunderstood. For the Sixth Step, a spiritual surrender is necessary. Not a passive, waiting surrender, but an active use of the will; a total surrender of mind (thinking) and body (doing).

Surrender is usually brought up in the context of pain. When our life is unmanageable (and causing pain), we must "turn it over." When we decide to turn our life and our will over to the care of God, as we understand Him, we've opened the door to surrender. In the Third Step, it is the decision that is the key point—an active use of the will to turn it over, to align our will with God's. In the Sixth Step, an even more active use of the will is required. We must act "as if " it has already taken place. We must have faith. Too many who take the Fifth Step make their confession and look around wondering where the solution lies.

Let's hear from Deb:

The Sixth Step is the perfectly logical place to be after having completed a thorough Fifth Step. Asking ourselves, "Do I want to give this (defect) up?" is different than asking, "Do I want to be different?

Regardless of what little I know about "being different," I must first ask, "Am I willing to believe that I can be different?" It is important to remember that Step Six doesn't say, "Became entirely ready to make myself different." It says, "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." God, not me, makes me different by giving me what it takes to change. It is my job to act and behave like the change has occurred. In doing this, the process of change happens. Frequently this involves emotional pain; the pain of living the way I have been becomes greater than the fear of change. It also involves the pain of attracting seemingly obnoxious people. These folks are mirrors of my defects. I get to experience how it feels to have the shoe on the other foot.

This is a Step of surrender and trust, not self-will or self-determination. We surrender our ideas of which defects stand in the way of our usefulness to God, ourselves, and others.

Is there a "fast track" to spiritual perfection or progress? It is important to get over and beyond the false pride of making "getting rid of character defects" a central focus of our lives. This approach is just one more way of not living life on life's terms. We get into life and do the best we can with what we know. When we truly know better, we are willing to change. In the meantime, we live life.

The hardest aspect of Step Six is controlling nature. I need to accept being human and fallible. Self-acceptance is more important than self-abuse. I cannot abuse myself into spirituality by shaming and ridiculing myself. I cannot open a flower with a sledgehammer—only God opens flowers. In Step Six, I must trust that Step Seven follows.

In the past, many of us have approached Step Six with outrageous self-will to change, or to the other extreme, with no will at all. I've found that there is no standard of reference for the amount of emotional pain that an individual needs or can endure before being motivated to change.

If I'm not changing my behavior because of pain, whom am I trying to impress? Could it be that I'm trying to live up to an ideal in order to make an impression? To take control by redefining my self-image? Is this not still self-centeredness and self-will? Spiritual pride?

Yes, God uses defects to change me. But these questions are well worth asking ourselves as we consider our motives for change. In Step Six, our readiness to change comes from the awareness of how we are harming ourselves and therefore God.

I don't get to choose which defects God will remove. I find that living with my defects continues to teach me humility. I find that the defects that made me an active threat to society were pretty much removed at once when I stopped my addictive chemical use.

The defects that remove me from service are removed on and for the day that I ask. God lets me keep the rest of the defects to remind me of my need for daily spiritual contact. They remind me that there is a God, and it isn't me. In order to have God remove our character defects, we must realize that we can't change ourselves completely by ourselves or have any lasting good purpose without spiritual intervention. "Lack of power" is our dilemma. We find a Power by which we can live.

How do we know when we are entirely ready? How do we know when we're hungry? Some have experienced an entire readiness as a feeling of being completely burned out or being at the end of their rope. Others have received a sponsor's validation of readiness. Most of us experience this readiness after we have become very familiar with the feeling or experience of not being ready or not being willing to be changed. We make friends with our defects and know how they have served us. This results in knowing how they no longer serve us.

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