Episode 227 -- June 30, 2022

It's only human to have failed relationships. Whether we're estranged from a family member, or it didn't work out with a spouse, or a trusted friend turned out to be an enemy—such is life. It is easy to blame the other person when things go wrong—even when the same issues appear with different people. Now that we're in recovery, we can begin re-examining these failed relationships and take a different approach. We can start to develop healthier connections.

In her book Fearless Relationships: Simple Rules for Lifelong Contentment, Karen Casey draws from her own life experiences, and lessons learned the hard way. This book offers insightful advice for healing ourselves and mending our relationships.

The following excerpt explores how the same behaviors will lead to the same results. That sounds obvious, of course, but it can be challenging to take that first step towards an effective change. Casey explains that improving our relationships starts when we begin improving ourselves. Even when someone else is at fault, we still need to focus on ourselves and learn the necessary lesson. Growth means accepting responsibility for how we—and our relationships—evolve.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Have you noticed that changing relationship partners doesn't necessarily solve the sticky issues that emerge in a relationship? In fact, it never does. The issues, the lessons, or the opportunities that we have "signed up for" in this human experience will keep repeating themselves until we have learned what we needed to learn.

From my perspective, this is a very exciting realization, although, like you perhaps, I resisted it for the first few decades of my life. It's exciting to me now because it means that we have as many chances as we need, to eventually learn whatever it is we need to learn from one another in this human existence.

There is no shame in not learning the lesson the first time it was presented. When we learn the lesson is up to us; there is no timetable. We are not in a race with anyone else in this school of life. God is not keeping track of our failed attempts.

We can, and many do, keep repeating the same lessons in relationships for years, resisting as long as possible the growth that the lesson offers. But the growth will wait for us. That's the fortunate news that we have been promised on this spiritual journey. We cannot escape what we need to learn. We must heal our relationships and ourselves.

No doubt most of us have a history of failed relationships. We can probably point to many issues that contributed to their failure. Maybe he wasn't sensitive enough, or she was too clingy. Whatever explanation we gave ourselves when the relationship failed seemed to satisfy us. But then the same behavior or issue surfaced in the next relationship. And then the next.

It's not the relationship partner that needs to change, regardless of how obnoxious or wrong the other person may be. We need to change. And nothing around us changes unless we change first.

I am not saying other people never need to improve their behavior, but the point is, we cannot focus on the other person. They will learn their specific lessons when they are ready. We can only attend to our own lessons and let go of theirs.

Being willing to change whatever needs to be changed in us isn't as difficult as it sounds. It's certainly a lot easier than trying to change someone else's behavior, which is impossible, at least for the long term. Any relationship partner might be willing to change some things for a time but may revert back to the old behavior.

We will not be able to stop this reversal, no matter what we say or do.

This brings the task of change to our doorstep, which is a good thing. It assures us that we can enjoy the success we desire and ultimately deserve. It doesn't assure us, though, that we will gleefully celebrate the task of changing. Change is seldom relished initially.

Most people can tolerate a lot of pain, and resisting change generally results in pain. We rarely surrender to change until we have tried every other way to cope with a troubling relationship.

My issues reared their ugly heads again and again. If it were not for the commitment I made to my spiritual path, a commitment that I continue to make on a daily basis, they would continue to hinder me. Now when the issues surface, as they still do, I seek another perspective.

Surprisingly, what's on the other side of the change we finally surrender to is freedom. Freedom to enjoy all our relationships. Freedom to stay in or leave any relationship. Best of all, freedom to accept responsibility for how the rest of our life and all of our relationships will evolve.

Healing what derails us in a relationship has more than one reward. It positively affects all of our other relationships, too. Healing one relationship contributes to the peacefulness of all relationships, everywhere, among all people. Unfortunately, the reverse is true as well.

The connectedness that exists between all members of the human community means that everything that happens to us will in time and in some way, impact all of us. The downside of this principle is that mean-spirited or violent behavior is also far-reaching in its effects. Remember, every time we willingly, or even not so willingly, heal one of our relationships, we are helping all relationships everywhere. Knowing that the power rests with each one of us to make this a better world is exhilarating and inspiring. Each day we need to ask ourselves, "Am I adding to the peace of the world today? What have I done to heal a relationship lately?

Touch Points:

1. There is really only one relationship to heal.
2. If we are at peace with ourselves, all relationships will be peaceful.
3. Any discomfort in a relationship tells us we have work to do.
4. It is only in relationship with others that we are presented with our lessons.
5. Healing one relationship will help all relationships.
6. When we let a relationship fester, we are contributing to the unpeaceful world that surrounds us.
7. World peace does rely on each one of us.
8. What we do to one, we do to all.
9. Whenever we help one person, we help all people.
10. We are examples for one another.
11. Wherever you are, you have a job to do.
12. Healing begins with me and you.

About the Author:
Karen Casey is the best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning, Daily Meditations for Practicing the Course, Keepers of the Wisdom, and numerous other books. She has also written two books for girls: Girls Only! and Girl to Girl. Her signature book, Each Day a New Beginning, has sold more than three million copies. Karen enjoys golfing and riding her Harley with her husband. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and Naples, Florida.

© 2003 by Karen Casey
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