Episode 229 -- July 14, 2022

Step Seven can feel like a frustrating challenge. We are humbly asking our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings, but it's hard to know how this actually works. Do we just wake up one day and find that all of our old patterns have disappeared? Not at all! The Steps so far have helped us realize realizing there's only so much we can change and control by ourselves. Step Seven is a way of opening ourselves up to change and to work on our partnership with our Higher Power.

In her book A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps, Dr. Stephanie Covington guides readers along the Twelve Step journey through the lens of women's perspective—including her own recovery story.

In this excerpt, we're invited to examine the word humility and consider how different it is from the experience of humiliation. Convington assures us that humility is an asset in our recovery journey. It helps us realize our limitations and acknowledge our strengths. Embracing this element of Step Seven can help us stay conscious and aware of our actions. Most of all, it means we can ask for help honestly and do our part while also letting go of the outcome.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

In Step Six we became ready for change. In Step Seven we ask for help in making these changes. How we go about asking— through prayer, through some other kind of spiritual practice, or maybe simply by thinking it over—is up to each of us.

Just as in Step Six, our "shortcomings" probably won't be "removed" right away. The lifelong patterns and habits we most want to change may stay with us for quite a while, even when we've become ready and turned to our Higher Power for help.

You might be frustrated with this, and you may question how Step Seven works, or if it works at all. If you're feeling this way, it may be helpful to think of Step Seven as a way of opening yourself to change—asking for help and letting a greater power do the rest.

In Step Seven we work in partnership with our Higher Power or Higher Self to bring about change in our lives. We learn to "take action and let go of the result," to do our part and let go of the outcome.

Many of us discover that we can be ready to change, to give up our least-favorite patterns, and can sincerely ask for assistance, but that's as far as we can go on our own. The truth is that we're not completely in charge of when and how our lives will change—on either the outside or the inside. We can do only as much as we are able and let go of what happens next, cooperating with our Higher Self or spiritual source as best we can. Taking the Seventh Step means realizing there's only so much we can change and control by ourselves. This in itself can be a humbling realization.

You probably experienced something similar when you stopped using alcohol, drugs, food, or whatever your substance of abuse has been. Maybe you tried to stop for a while but couldn't change your behavior until, in a moment of grace, the craving was removed or you found the strength to go on without using.

In Step Seven we expect those moments of grace to help us give up our old patterns. We stay conscious and aware of our actions and ask for help letting go.

HUMILITY NOT HUMILIATION

Many women who first see the word humbly in Step Seven aren't sure how to react. The word humble usually means making ourselves "lower" or "less than," and refraining from asserting ourselves. It reminds us that we often feel pressure to be humble. We've been taught not to be too demanding or direct about what we want. If we ask for anything for ourselves, we often feel compelled to apologize. Many women are concerned that this Step asks us to be passive or apologetic.

We can learn from women like Elena that true humility means having a strong sense of who we are. She points out that Steps Four, Five, and Six prepare the path for this kind of humility by giving us a clearer vision of ourselves.

Elena explains that she too had difficulty with the idea of "humbly asking" until she realized that it simply meant asking for help. With a clearer vision of herself and the changes she wants to make, she also knows she can't make these changes alone. She knows she isn't perfect—and won't ever be—so she asks her Higher Power for guidance and support. "Humility also means I recognize a spiritual source greater than myself," she says.

In Twelve Step programs we frequently hear people talk about the difference between humility and humiliation. We know all about humiliation—the embarrassing scenes, the loss of control, the shame we feel about our behavior. We've all had times when we've wanted to hide under a rock. We've all feared—or known with horrible certainty—that someone saw exactly what we did when we were on our last binge. Or we may be thoroughly humiliated knowing the truth ourselves.

Humility is different than humiliation. It's a clear-headed perspective that doesn't minimize or avoid the facts. With humility we're able to say, "This is what I did, and it's done." We don't deny anything, but we also don't judge ourselves.

One woman says, "My mistakes are simply my mistakes; they don't define me anymore." This distinction is critical. When we are defined by our mistakes, we are humiliated. But when we can see them for what they are—just mistakes—then we can humbly forgive ourselves and ask for help to do things differently next time. There's a quiet, reflective self-acceptance that comes with humility.

We hear people in recovery programs say that humility is being able to see things as they are. This means we acknowledge what we can and cannot do. I learned in Step Seven that I have responsibility for the process of change in my life, but I'm not in control of it. This was a humbling experience for me. Elena says that she became comfortable with the fact that she doesn't know everything there is to know, which made her feel humble and relieved at the same time. It gave her permission to be imperfect and to ask for help when she needs it.

It's important that we don't confuse being humble with being demure or reserved or unassertive. We don't want to become so concerned with being humble that we stop taking credit for the things we do well. That is not the intent of Step Seven. True humility means we have a strong sense of who we are—we realize our limitations and acknowledge our strengths.

A saying I taped to my refrigerator many years ago has helped me understand humility. It reads: "The true way to be humble is not to stoop until you're lower than yourself but to stand at your real height against some higher nature that will show you the smallness of your greatness." I particularly like the idea of being great and small at the same time. It's another paradox of recovery.

We stand at our full height and claim the power that we do have: the power of choice, the power to take action and to make decisions for ourselves. But we also put our personal power in perspective by seeing that there's a higher nature—a Power greater than ourselves—that is vaster and more powerful than our individual selves. We can think of ourselves as a brilliant star—significant, yet small compared to the endless expanse of space around us.

This is how we might think of ourselves in relation to our Higher Power. There's much that is beyond our capabilities and much we don't know, but that doesn't diminish what we know and can do. We can feel humble seeing how our strengths contribute to the whole.

About the Author:
Stephanie S. Covington, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., is a nationally recognized clinician, author, organizational consultant, and lecturer. A pioneer in the field of women's issues and addiction and recovery for many years, she has developed an innovative, gender-responsive approach to address the treatment needs of women and girls that results in effective services in public, private, and institutional settings. Her clients include treatment and correctional settings.

© 1994 by Stephanie S. Covington
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