Episode 235 -- August 25, 2022

Choose Differently: Five Ways to Own Our Part

When we're in a conflict, we can sometimes have blindfolds on—not clearly seeing what part we played in an argument. Think about it: how many times have you excused or overlooked your behavior, or said to yourself, "If only they did this instead"? We often focus on things we can't control and neglect or ignore the things that we can. In recovery, we can take our blindfolds off. If we're working the Steps in any fellowship group, we know we've had our part to play in all our relationships.

In her book When Reality Bites: How Denial Helps and What to Do When it Hurts, Holly Parker offers practical and relatable solutions for uncovering and reframing our denial. Parker provides exercises and personal stories that can help us understand and accept the positive uses of denial and learn to move past it when it becomes counterproductive.

The following excerpt explores the human tendency to focus on a partner's part in the relationship while bypassing our own. It also offers tips for turning this around. We're introduced to five different ways people tend to point the finger and avoid responsibility in relationships and five ways we can choose to act differently. Instead of playing the victim, each of us can work to elevate our bonds and connections.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Denial is a broad term. When I think of denial, I envision one of those jumbo umbrellas, the kind that could shelter two people with room to spare for a third. Denial is the massive cover that shields us, and it's basically a way of turning down the dial (sometimes just barely; at other times, cranked all the way down) on what we don't want to deal with, either in ourselves, in others, or in the world around us. It's a suit of armor of sorts, designed to cushion us with protective insulation that gets puffed up or thinned out, depending upon our circumstances.

Shutting Our Eyes to Our Role
One crucial way we turn down this dial in relationships is by fixating on our partner and ignoring our own role in the relationship dynamics at play. I hear this in my work as a therapist, not to mention in everyday life, a lot. The partner is the problem, and if only the partner would change, the problem would vanish. Consider Lake and Porter in the following example.

Ultimately, Lake's approach is self-defeating. He's focusing on what he can't control—Porter—and he's neglecting the one thing he can control—himself. We're unlikely to get anywhere if we take on this mind-set, blaming our partner for relationship problems or for how they "make" us feel while neglecting our own behavior and responsibility for our feelings. So, on this next leg of our stop, we're going to look at how we turn down the dial on owning our part in the relationship and how we can play a powerful role in elevating our bond.

Tucked-Away Zingers
We humans have a knack for being able to catch the unkind words that pass our partner's lips while missing our own. A 2015 study revealed that when it comes to identifying which comments are distressing their partner, even happy couples see eye to eye only 20 percent of the time. And if you, like many people, assume that men flick off hurtful words more than women do, or that they just aren't as impacted by relationship dynamics, think again. The same study also showed that the unhappier men are in their relationship, the more hurtful words they pick up on.

More Can Be Less
"Otto," Ivy sighed, "honestly, how are you ever going to get your poems published if you keep screwing off with that silly Mahjong app?" Whether you've been on the giving or receiving end, an exchange like this probably sounds familiar. On occasion, people chide their partners for giving in to distracting temptations rather than working toward their goals. The ever-so-tempting solution, it seems, is to nag. But, like the golf swing we talked about, a softer touch accomplishes more than a harder one. When we're happier in our relationship, we're actually inclined to knuckle down more to reach our goals. So, rather than nagging, try fostering more joyful moments of connection with your partner and see what happens. Of course, there's no guarantee that this will be successful, but it's probably better than pestering.

Swamped by Our Own Willpower
Ah, it's just so easy to forget that a relationship is a living system and that our actions can influence how our partner sees us and treats us. One domain where this applies is how much willpower we possess to take care of what needs to get done in life. When folks are especially self-disciplined, their partner is liable to ask them to do more, operating under the belief that these added tasks are a cakewalk for them because, well, everything else seems to be. The hitch is that these people then feel more taxed, not to mention less gratified in the relationship. Arguably, this is a breeding ground for resentment: People wonder why their partner would ask so much of them. If you're in this boat, try giving your partner the benefit of the doubt that there's no ill intent behind these requests. Instead, consider setting limits and admitting to yourself and others that you can't do it all.

Unplugged Because We're Plugged In
Nowadays, technology is just about everywhere—TVs, computers, tablets, and smartphones, not to mention kitchen appliances and cars that tell us what to do and where to go. Even though they're undoubtedly handy, they have the capacity to meddle in human relationships. And we're not even talking about technology addiction here, just regular use. Sure, it may not seem like those casual pauses to text, email, or catch the news have the power to monkey with a couple's bliss, but it's been shown that friction over technology use predicts lowered relationship happiness for women. So, if you're arguing about your app use and are feeling more disconnected from your partner, try disconnecting from your gadgets instead.

Losing Sight of Your Place at the Party
Sure, we can overlook our role in fueling conflict, but we can pass over our ability to feed relationship joy too. When we grab the reins and do our part to be an upbeat, cheerful presence in our partner's life, it's a win for us, our partner, and our relationship. For instance, people are inclined to spend more time with individuals when they're in good spirits around them. This doesn't mean you should put on a mask and hide those less-than-cheerful feelings and moments from your mate. It just means nurturing positivity within yourself and considering how you can brighten your partner's life. One powerful way you can do this is by sharing the positive highlights of your day with your partner, and being responsive and attentive when your partner shares too. This simple strategy is so potent that it predicts a deeper sense of closeness for couples, even when they're facing alarming adversity; for example, one study showed this was true for women with breast cancer.

There are other ways to boost a relationship's well-being too. Humor, love, sexuality, and lively and novel activities are related to relationship enthusiasm and happiness. More specifically, couples who pursue interests and hobbies that are challenging yet within the scope of their abilities experience a boost in relationship enjoyment afterward. But regardless of what ventures they take on, a key point is that both members of the couple need to feel motivated to pursue an interest together to get the relationship-boosting effect.

About the Author:
Dr. Holly Parker, or Dr. Holly, as she's more playfully known, is a psychologist with a passion for empowering individuals to cultivate the sort of life that reflects what they sincerely wish for, one that is authentic, gratifying, and joyful for them.

She obtained her PhD in experimental psychopathology from Harvard University, where she conducted research and was a Karen Stone Fellow and Sackler Scholar. Filled with an inner fire to help uplift people's lives through human connection, Dr. Parker re-specialized in clinical psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

© 2016 by Holly Parker
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