Episode 238 -- September 15, 2022

Working Through Step Nine

Step Nine challenges us to make "direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This can be difficult for us, as well as the person we've hurt because of our addiction. There is no way of getting around the vulnerability and courage this Step requires. Saying we are sorry for our actions can begin to solve many of our conflicts and allow us to reconnect with loved ones, but our apologies will not always be fix-all solutions. People are not required to forgive us, of course. Regardless of their responses, we must be able to forgive ourselves in order to continue healing in our recovery.

In A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps, Dr. Patrick Carnes offers the Steps as a pattern of practices and habits that make lasting recovery possible. We can use these principles as a guide to a new way of living—letting go of our old ways of thinking and acting and accepting that change in our lives is both ongoing and inevitable.

The challenge of making amends can sound like hiking up a rocky mountain without any gear. This excerpt offers advice for approaching the challenges of Step Nine that can help us feel less overwhelmed by the process. Carnes also retells a story originally written for children, using it to illustrate the power of admitting wrongdoings and seeking amends.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Step Nine

Dr. Seuss explains a Ninth Step in Bartholomew and the Oobleck. That story is paraphrased here:

They still talk about it in the kingdom of Didd as "The-Year-the-King-Got-Angry-with-the-Sky." You see, in the King's grandiosity, he had decided that he was tired of the same four things coming down from the sky: snow, fog, sunshine, and rain. He wanted something NEW to come down from the sky. And he had his way. He got what he wanted when he wanted it. He called his spooky magicians, and with magic words they made it happen. It rained oobleck! Green, gooey, molasses-like stuff that stuck to everyone and wouldn't let go. The entire kingdom was paralyzed. Birds stuck to their nests, the royal musicians stuck to their instruments, the bell to warn the citizens was silenced by the green, yucky stuff. And the king sat on his throne, his royal crown stuck to his royal head.

Finally, Bartholomew Cubbins could hold his tongue no longer. "It's going to keep on falling," he shouted, "until your whole great marble palace tumbles down! So don't waste your time saying foolish magic words. YOU ought to be saying some plain, simple words!"

"Simple words? What do you mean, boy?"

"I mean," said Bartholomew, "this is all your fault! Now, the least you can do is say the simple words, 'I'm sorry.'"

No one had ever talked to the king like this before.

"What!" he bellowed. "ME... ME say 'I'm sorry!' Kings never say 'I'm sorry!'

"But you're sitting in oobleck up to your chin. And so is everyone else in your land. And if you won't even say you're sorry, you're no sort of king at all!"

But then Bartholomew heard a great, deep sob. The old King was crying! "You're right! It is all my fault! And I am sorry! I'm awfully, awfully sorry!"

And the moment the King spoke those words, something happened.

Maybe there was magic in those simple words "I'm sorry." Maybe there was magic in those simple words "It's all my fault."

Maybe there was, and maybe there wasn't. But they say that as soon as the old King spoke them, the sun began to shine and all the oobleck that was stuck on all the people and on all the animals of the Kingdom of Didd just simply, quietly melted away.

Saying "I'm sorry" is difficult, so we have developed several tools to help you through your Eighth and Ninth Steps

Besides asking for help from your Higher Power for your shortcomings, you can act on your own to mend the harm you have caused as part of your illness. In Step Eight you identify people harmed, and in Step Nine you actually make the amends necessary. When finished with Step Nine, you will have done all you can and then you can turn over any remaining shame and guilt. The principles of forgiveness and restitution will become an ongoing part of living your life.

Reflecting on all levels of your awareness is very important to a thorough Eighth Step. When making your list of the persons you have harmed, consider the following:

The name of the person who has been harmed.
Don't concentrate only on those people who are closest to you. Harm was done in casual relationships and acquaintanceships, as well.

Memories of harm done.
Record the specifics that you remember about the harm, including your behavior and the other person's reactions. Include facial expressions, tones of voice, circumstances, or anything that will make clear what happened.

Thoughts about the harm.
Ask yourself what you think about the situation now. Do you have reflections or interpretations about the harm?

Feelings about the harm.
Acknowledge the pain, anger, shame, guilt, and fear that you have about the situation now. Also ask yourself what feelings you have about attempting to repair the damage.

Intentions you now have.
Perhaps the most difficult part is to determine what you hope to accomplish by doing some repair work. Sometimes our intentions are not helpful. If, for example, your intent is to look good to others, you probably need to take a longer look at your motives.

Amends you can make for the harm caused.
Name specific actions that will make up for what happened. Sometimes that may mean simply saying "I'm sorry." You will find some situations for which nothing can be done. For example, you have no idea how to reach someone, and the only amend you can make is to live your life differently. In some situations, further contact might cause further harm. At least you will be able to integrate that fact into your self-awareness. At the conclusion, you will have a list of all the amends you are willing to make. You will also have some blank spaces when it comes to amends.

As you can see, this will be a lengthy, difficult, soul-searching process that requires creativity and courage. Your guides can be important here. By reviewing your process as you go along, your guides can help you stay in reality. Their reactions to certain events may differ from yours, or they may challenge your intentions or suggest alternative actions. Remember, these amends do not have to be done all at once. You deserve time to think and to feel as you work through the process. Again, gentleness is your goal.

The Eighth and Ninth Steps apply the Serenity Prayer to our relationships. They require us to identify the people we have harmed, to have difficult conversations with them, and then, as best we can, to change our relationships with them in positive ways. Steps Eight and Nine also require us to acknowledge and let go of what is unchangeable in our relationships with these people. As a result, these Steps help us put an end to many of the worries that have eaten away at us.

Working the Eighth and Ninth Steps means feeling and accepting our own pain about what we did in the past. We need to admit to ourselves that we hurt people, and we will likely feel sadness, grief, and healthy guilt. As we feel and process these emotions, we can then move through and out of them.

Having difficult conversations with people we harmed expands our awareness and helps us see that the story we told ourselves in relation to them may not be true or accurate. When we let someone else tell us their story about what we did and what effect it had on them—and when we really listen to what they say—we internally experience what they experienced. We may also begin to rewrite our own internal story of what happened. All of this changes our brain in many positive ways. As we put ourselves in the position of what it was like to be on the receiving end of our actions, we grow our mirror neuron system. This helps our brain relearn empathy and compassion. It improves our ability to solve problems. It also makes us more able to have empathy for ourselves.

In working Steps Eight and Nine, we need to say to people, "I'm sorry; I made mistakes; how can I make amends?" and then we need to make what amends we can. This creates closure, which in turn creates other positive changes in our brain. We can finally let go, because there's nothing about the relationship to worry about or obsess over anymore. We've removed the problem from our mental plate. This frees up mental and emotional bandwidth that we can make available to other people and concerns. This clearing out and letting go can help us be more present, as well. We may also feel profound relief and a great sense of lightness.

About the Author:
Patrick J. Carnes, PhD, is an internationally known authority on addiction and recovery issues. He has authored over twenty books, including the bestselling titles Out of the Shadows: Understanding Addiction Recovery, Betrayal Bond, Don't Call It Love, and the first edition of A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps. Dr. Carnes's research provides the architecture for the "task model" of treating addictions that is used by thousands of therapists worldwide and many well-known treatment centers, residential facilities, and hospitals. He is the executive director of the Gentle Path Program at Pine Grove Behavioral Health in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which specializes in dedicated treatment for sexual addiction.

© 1993, 2012 by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D.
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