Episode 243 -- October 20, 2022

How to Break the Cycle of Stress in Relationships

Stress has been quite the buzzword. Everyone deals with stress and the problems that cause it. However, those of us in recovery may have to be more alert when we are feeling stressed. We must be careful that whatever problem we have does not lead us back into the throes of our addiction. We must constantly check in with our feelings, reach out for help and reflect on our thoughts and actions.

In their book Rein in Your Brain: From Impulsivity to Thoughtful Living in Recovery, Cynthia Moreno Tuohy and Victoria Costello offer brain training techniques for breaking the cycle of compulsive thoughts and behaviors. We can use the tools in this book for insightful guidance on how we can be more thoughtful in our daily lives.

In this excerpt, the authors walk us through a real-life scenario that illustrates how not communicating feelings can trouble our relationships and daily life. In the story, "Nora's" experience shows how easy it is for stressful situations to manifest, and how old habits and patterns can reemerge to sabotage our comfort and security. As we learn to understand our emotional triggers and respond to stress-causing events and experiences in healthier and more direct ways, we can make our lives more enjoyable and further our journey in recovery.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Stress is caused by internal pressures that build up each day in the natural course of exposing ourselves to our environment. Stress is natural and takes on many forms, but these forms all have a common pattern, from biological stressors to emotional stressors. Stress is also caused by a buildup of past experiences projected onto current situations, especially if those past experiences are the source of a deep hurt or an unresolved issue. These stressors are particular to each person's background and personal history. The cycle of stress is moving from a peaceful state to an uncomfortable state and back to a peaceful state. An uncomfortable state is not a negative state—it's just a state that is other than peaceful.

The uncomfortable state is referred to as the "stress response." A stress response is made up of the internal pressures and/or anxieties that the body feels a need to expel during the course of each day. The stress response is nature's cue for a person to move into a course of action. The goal is to move the body from an uncomfortable state back to a peaceful state.

However, it is our perception of a situation, because of our emotional fabric, that causes us to see it as "Our Reality," when in fact it may not be what's really going on. In some situations, a person might find that an old insecurity is triggered by a stress response. This triggering sets off old, and often destructive, attitudes and behaviors that result in contaminating the situation at hand.

To illustrate this, the following example is taken from the real-life situation of a couple in a romantic relationship. We will call them Nora and Jake.

Nora and Jake
At some point in Nora and Jake's relationship, Jake had affairs with other women when he was drinking or drugging. Nora had affairs as well when she was drinking or drugging. Both see their own life situation as a by-product of their using, yet still have lingering feelings of hurt and shame. Nora's parents divorced because of her father's affairs, and Nora feels deep, unresolved pain from the loss of her parents' marriage. She also has past and current insecurity issues surrounding men hurting her and then leaving her and feels a loss of control over what happens in her life.

Thoughts Seen as Real
Nora is driving to an appointment on her lunch hour and sees Jake in the parking lot near a hotel, with a beautiful redheaded woman. Her first thought is, "Oh no, who is that?" She then begins to think in her limbic brain, "She is much more beautiful than I am." Nora starts to worry, as she and Jake have not been getting along so well lately. She starts to suspect this woman is in a relationship with Jake and they are just going into or coming out of the hotel. Her thoughts become real to her.

Insecurity
She begins to lose awareness that this is just a thought, not based on truth or inquiry. She begins to see this perception as real and believes it beyond a shadow of a doubt. She then expects that because this woman is more beautiful, and most likely more fun than she is, Jake would easily go to the hotel with her. Nora is now taking these thoughts seriously, and she continues to validate her insecurities and stress by obsessing on the arguments she and Jake have been experiencing lately.

Focusing on Details
Nora comes home that night and is furious, yet not able to share her feelings of insecurity. She watches Jake carefully to see how he responds to her when he comes home. She does not notice the emotional blockade she has built, but when he enters the door her face is full of anger and hostility. Jake runs upstairs to take a shower. This only focuses Nora's suspicions.

Triggers Habit and Situation Worsens
This preoccupation triggers Nora's old habits of nagging and complaining in order to cope with insecure feelings. Nora tells Jake he needs to be more attentive and loving. Jake is tired, he is not communicating, and he is avoiding the conversation. Jake's response (or lack of response) only worsens Nora's negative and insecure feelings and reactions.

Thoughts Validated
As the night wears on, Nora tries to engage Jake in lovemaking. He says he's too tired. This further validates her thoughts and suspicions. Nora has a terrible night and feels hurt, abandoned, and alone. She only wants things to be the same as before that awful redheaded woman entered the picture.

Burnout!
In the morning, Nora gets up and makes coffee for the two of them, as usual. Jake comes downstairs and says, "I have no time for coffee—gotta run to an early morning appointment. See ya." Jake starts to leave, and Nora yells to Jake, "Don't bother coming back tonight!" Jake is confused. He is wondering where this is coming from. By this time, Nora is in the "burnout" stage of stress. She has come to believe that Jake is having an affair. The relationship is over, so she might as well end it now. Up to this point, Nora has not spoken one word about seeing Jake in the hotel parking lot or that she saw him with another woman.

To break this cycle of stress is simple, but it's not easy. First, Nora would do better to consider standing still in the moment with her feelings of insecurity. She might validate her feelings by becoming aware of how they're based in the past. At this point it is best for Nora to make a call to Jake and let go of her fear and insecurity. She might tell Jake that she saw him in a hotel parking lot with a beautiful redhead, and that this caused her immediate feelings of insecurity. Nora might also admit that seeing Jake with the woman is triggering old thoughts and feelings about her parents' divorce, as well as her past relationships, and that she's worried it's happening again. It's best to describe how she is feeling rather than blaming or shaming Jake, which will only lead to his defending himself, and the conversation will be at a standstill; or worse, it will move to a place of competitiveness.

If Nora were to approach it this way, transparently, he might say, "Yes, honey, I was in that parking lot with a beautiful redhead, and next to that parking lot is a Mexican restaurant where we went to have lunch. The redhead is my cousin, who had called me earlier that morning to say she was in town and to invite me to lunch. I knew you had a lunch appointment, so I didn't bother to call you."

Wow, what a difference this makes in contrast to Nora's old triggered behaviors and insecurities. She can decide to believe Jake and, since there is no recent history or reason to disbelieve him, she and Jake can move forward with their relationship in a healthy manner. The cycle of stress ends at that very moment, and they can both move on knowing they were able to discuss this situation and believe in one another.

This story is not an unusual one for people who have lived in addiction and trauma. Many of us live this type of experience periodically. The important thing is how we handle it, and when we end the cycle of stress. Only by addressing the stress and advising the other person can you resolve the stress before it becomes obsessive. If you are worried you'll be fooled, it may be better to put your energy into believing—knowing that the truth will eventually come out, and that you have supportive friends in your recovery group to lean on.

About the Author:
Cynthia Moreno Tuohy, BSW, NCAC II, is the executive director of NAADAC, the Association for Addiction Professionals. She previously served as the executive director of Danya Institute and the Central East Addiction Technology Transfer Center. Prior to this she was the program director for Volunteers of America- Western Washington, serving homeless populations and dealing with the co-occurrence of poverty and substance abuse issues.

Victoria Costello is an Emmy Award-winning science journalist who has established a national platform through her publishing and advocacy work in mental health and wellness. In January 2012, she released her memoir, A Lethal Inheritance: A Mother Uncovers the Science behind Three Generations of Mental Illness.

© 2014 by Cynthia Moreno Tuohy
All rights reserved