Episode 254 -- January 5, 2023

Back to Basics: What Does Unmanageable Mean?

In his book Step Up: Unpacking Steps One, Two, and Three with Someone Who's Been There, Michael Graubart offers a guide for both newcomers to Twelve Step recovery as well as those, like him, who have been walking the path for years.

Whether you want to get sober or stay that way, it's good to get back to basics from time to time. In this excerpt, Graubart explores the word "unmanageability" as it appears in Step One, and how our impulse to control everyone and everything is at the heart of our struggle with alcoholism and other addictions. Consider Step One, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable," and listen to these wise words.

This excerpt was originally featured in February of 2021. It has been edited for brevity.

What Does Unmanageable Mean in the First Step?

Our lives became "unmanageable"—that's the second half of the First Step. Unmanageable means out of control. Alcoholics and addicts love to control everything. We love to control other people.

We love to control outcomes. We love to control situations. We love to control conversations. Why? Because control makes us feel safe.

Ironically, the one thing alcoholics and addicts crave the most—control—is the very thing they surrender by continuing to drink and use.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, we pay a price. We begin to lose the things that matter most to us.

Self-respect. Dignity. Employment. Relationships. Children. Our immortal souls, if you are so inclined.

I have yet to meet someone whose life was actually enhanced by decades of drinking and using.

You don't have to lose everything. You don't have to hit the lowest possible bottom. It just comes down to the question of what price you're willing to pay to keep on defending your right to drink and use.

Some people just don't expect much from life. They don't expect to see twenty, or thirty, or forty, or whatever birthday odometer lies ahead.

They don't expect to have a successful relationship, maybe because they've never seen one close up.

They don't expect to succeed financially, because everyone they've ever known is too broke to pay attention.

Others may have been exposed to the glittering prizes in life—a fine education, a great career, a nice home in an attractive neighborhood, the white picket fence, and the spouse or partner; add kids if so desired.

They just don't think they deserve it.

Or as a character on Modern Family said, "I eat garbage because I am garbage."

I'm here to tell you that God doesn't create junk, that God has no grandchildren, that God has your picture on his refrigerator.

One of the best things about AA, and other programs, is that you will encounter highly successful people who otherwise would have never encountered you. When my sister got sober, she was a typist for one of the top publishing companies. One of the people who attended her regular morning AA meeting was the CEO of that same company.

You'll meet people who have what you want, who have things you've never dreamt of, and who have things that, at this moment, you do not deserve.

Love. Security. A nice car. I remember how excited I was in early sobriety when I realized my car's license plate, my driver's license, my car insurance, and my home address were finally all the same thing.

Today I'd be tweeting about it. #Adulting.

In Twelve Step meetings, you could be sitting in a meeting with a millionaire turned into a homeless person on one side and a homeless person turned into a millionaire on your other side.

The main thing is that you'll meet people who have gotten some semblance of control back in their lives.

Let me be clear. We in Twelve Step recovery do not have a magical elixir for finally controlling everyone else.

In fact, we advise the opposite—we believe in "Live and let live." What we get is control over our words and our actions.

These are the only two things that we can possibly control.

You cannot control other people—and that includes your children, your spouse, your partner, and anyone else with free will.

You cannot control outcomes—how much money you will make, whether you'll get the job or keep the job, whether your business will be successful or not.

But by having control restored to you with regard to the only two things you can control—your words and your actions—your life will get immeasurably better.

If you're honest, you'll have a better life.

If you're hardworking, you'll make more money.

So the second half of the First Step, "that our lives had become unmanageable," asks us to acknowledge that our lives, when we drink or use, are in fact out of control. We lose and we lose and we lose.

If you're trying to control your drinking and using, that's a strong hint that your drinking and using are already out of control.

The second half of Step One asks us to stop the futile quest to control the uncontrollable. Instead, we just admit—Step One requires an admission, nothing more—that our lives are not what we want them to be.

We aren't managing them well.

We may be trying to control things, but we aren't getting anything like the results we desire.

If you are willing to admit that your life is not what you want it to be—that your relationships, financial life, career, housing situation, relationships with family members, physical health—if you can acknowledge that these things are out of control in a meaningful way (and the definition of meaningful is up to you and you alone), then you are buying into the second half of Step One.

It takes an admission of unmanageability in order to succeed in Twelve Step recovery, because people who still think they're all that and a bag of chips are just not ready to do what it takes to get sober.

So now we've seen the two halves of the First Step—powerlessness and unmanageability. If you can admit to both, then you're ready to take the First Step.

About the Author:
"Michael Graubart" is a longtime sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, has been a member of Al-Anon for decades, and attends Overeaters Anonymous meetings as well. As he says, "If it moves, I'm obsessed with it, and if it stands still, I'm addicted to it." A New York Times best-selling author, Michael is married and the father of four children. He's the author of Sober Dad: The Manual for Perfectly Imperfect Parenting, as well as an accomplished singer-songwriter who has recently released his first CD of songs about recovery, titled Sober Songs, Volume I.

Following the Traditions, he writes under a pseudonym to maintain his anonymity. For all you know, he's the good-looking guy who sits next to you at one of your meetings. Anonymity helps him speak frankly about his experiences in Twelve Step recovery.

© 2017 by Michael Graubart
All rights reserved