Episode 256 -- January 19, 2023

The Power in Powerlessness

Having a substance use disorder can sometimes feel like living a double life. We may constantly lie about the things we do and the places we go. All this hiding often leads to feelings of shame and guilt, and can even prolong the misery of our compulsive behaviors. Whether or not we are working a Twelve Step program, admitting that we are powerless over our addiction is the honest self-assessment we need to begin making strides towards sobriety.

In her book A Woman's Guide to Recovery, Brenda Iliff explains how we can live a life of happy recovery "beyond our wildest dreams." Its pages are filled with expert advice, caring support, and personal stories of women who have found their way out of the mess of addiction.

In this excerpt, Iliff summarizes the essential problem of addiction as "I can't use, and I can't quit." She goes on to discuss the paradox of the First Step, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable," by exploring how we can find true power through admitting our powerlessness. Iliff compares having a substance use disorder with someone who has a shellfish allergy. Once a person accepts the truth of their allergy, they know that they can no longer consume certain foods, and can start to find a sense of relief and safety through a new way of living.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Universal Symptoms of Addiction

All addicts who are being honest with themselves can identify with the following statement: "I can't use, and I can't quit." In "The Doctor's Opinion" in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. William Silkworth speaks about an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. He states that some people are genetically different, and their bodies react allergically to alcohol. Allergically? At first take, that statement can seem absurd. Come on, we love the feeling that comes from using. We don't break out in a rash or swell up or experience anything like that. In fact, quite the opposite. We feel good when using, or at least we feel some relief.

What's an allergy? An allergy is an abnormal reaction to a common substance. Some people are allergic to shellfish, and when they eat it, their throats swell and they can't breathe. They go to great lengths to avoid shellfish. Their reaction to shellfish is an abnormal reaction. Most of us can have shellfish without any concerns. To be able to eat and enjoy shellfish is a normal reaction to a common substance.

Alcohol is also a common substance. Most people can drink it without any real problems. When we addicts start drinking, we don't know for sure when we'll stop. Sometimes we may have the amount we planned on having, and other times it's another ten years of using and lots of losses and possible death before we stop. We just don't know. That's not normal. It's an abnormal reaction to a common substance. Normal people stop when they say they are going to stop. We can't always depend on stopping as we planned. So what's the conclusion? We have to stop using chemicals completely.

Unlike normal people with an allergy, who accept that they have to stay away from substances causing allergic reactions, we can't seem to fathom living without our chemicals. We think this normal process of avoiding the allergy-inducing substance doesn't apply to us. What do you mean, the only relief is entire abstinence? Entire? No chemical use? Come on! Of course, we've heard this all before in various forms: "Don't use," "Just say no," "Don't start." Doesn't it indeed make sense to stay away from something that's causing us problems?

Just like the people who are allergic to shellfish, we have to stay away from what we're allergic to. These people no longer eat shellfish. They don't seek it out to have "just one" or say, "Let me try this kind of shellfish instead." They know they can't "use"—and they don't. How many of us have heard the people who love us say to us, "Just don't use"? Of course they're right that we need to stop using. We need to put the chemicals down completely. We know that we can't use. So, why do we?

Well, that's the second part of the problem that Dr. Silkworth describes. Members of Twelve Step programs refer to it as the "obsession of the mind." It's similar to the preoccupation symptom referred to earlier—the monkey chatter. Not only are our bodies abnormal in that we can't use chemicals responsibly, but our minds also tell us that we don't have a problem, that we aren't really different. Our minds tell us things like Now that you haven't used for two weeks, you could probably have just a little, or Just switch to marijuana instead of the cocaine, or If you use pills, you'll use them responsibly, or How about some wine instead of the hard liquor? or Now you know something about women's addiction after reading this book, so you can use responsibly, or You worked on your issues in therapy, so now you should be able to drink, or No one will know, or ... fill in the blank.

The obsession of the mind keeps us from staying quit. It's a form of denial. It tells us that things weren't all that bad when we were using or possibly even that we're not addicts. Even though we've stopped using chemicals, our mental obsession brings us into denial, creating lies in our mind such as Just one won't hurt, or It really wasn't that bad, or You can drink alcohol as long as you don't pick up that crack. It talks us into trying our chemicals once again. The Big Book tells us that we are "restless, irritable and discontented" until we can find the "ease and comfort" that come from taking a few drinks. The mental obsession makes us remember the good times and forget the despair. It talks us into trying one more round by filtering out all the negative experiences we've had because of using. We think that somehow we'll be able to control our using, that this time will be different.

Powerlessness: The Most Powerful Place

This "can't use/can't quit" problem is what the First Step of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. "We admitted we were powerless over [drugs]—that our lives had become unmanageable". Many of us know that once we start using, we're in trouble because we can't stop. We know that when we use, our life becomes a mess—unmanageable, as the First Step says. What's harder to understand and even harder to believe is that even when we're totally sober, totally straight, and totally clean, we're still powerless over chemicals. Even without a single drug in our system, the addiction still has power over us. Something in us keeps telling us that we can try it one more time and it will be different. How many times have we said, "This time it will be different"? A driving force within us seeks the "ease and comfort" that come from a few drinks. The word powerless in the First Step means this: Whether using or not using, I'm in trouble. I can't use but I can't quit but I can't use but I can't quit but I can't use but I can't quit. How hopeless can it get? We're powerless. That's why many of us stay in denial. It's all too overwhelming. We can't use and yet can't quit.

When we first start to comprehend the wreckage of our lives and realize that our chemicals are creating the mess we're in, we get scared. Actually, we get terrified. When we admit that we're addicts and recognize with our innermost knowing that we need to change, we experience some of the most terrifying moments in our lives. At the same time, we feel some sense of relief when we learn about addiction and realize we're not alone. Mostly, though, intense fear and confusion set in. How can it be that I have to put down my chemicals to get out of addiction? I'm an addict—and the solution is not to use? Not using seems totally impossible. Aren't addicts powerless over their drugs?

Yes, they are, and when we get this, when it sinks deeply into our hearts and minds, we're at the First Step of the Twelve Steps. We admit we're powerless over alcohol or meth or cocaine or heroin or pills or whatever our enslaving chemical is. Powerless. Unable to stop once we start and unable to quit or stay quit. Can't use but can't quit but can't use but can't quit but can't use but can't quit, and the circle continues. No wonder we feel hopeless, powerless.

This "gift of desperation" is right where recovery begins. It's the gift that turns our life around. The pain of desperation makes us willing to change. When we become completely convinced that we can't use and can't quit, we're right where we need to be. Somewhere inside us, we realize that our situation is hopeless.

Cringing at the Thought of Powerlessness

Some of us struggle with the term powerless in the First Step. As women, we may feel like we've been powerless victims most of our lives, and we feel rebellious when we're told we're powerless and that's just the way it is. Why would we give ourselves up completely? That's not the gist of the First Step, though. In fact, it's one of the first paradoxes of the program of recovery that women experience. We find that if we want to see women with power, we need look no further than some of the women in recovery. These women are on fire.

A paradox is something that doesn't make sense. It's the opposite of what we think is true, but it is true. The paradox in Step One is that when we admit powerlessness over chemicals, we start to get power. When we take a deep and honest look at the fact that we can't use responsibly, can't stay quit on our own, and have made a mess of our lives, well, that's when we're on our way. For the first time in a long time, we—not the addiction—are in the driver's seat. Admitting our powerlessness over chemicals allows us the opportunity to discover the true power that comes through the program of recovery.

About the Author:
Brenda Iliff, M.A., is a clinician, author, administrator, lecturer, and writer in the field of addiction. She is a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and has been involved in the addiction field for more than thirty years.

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