Self-neglect
Barbara, a psychotherapist friend, describes her lack of self-care as self-neglect. She says, "It's really about intention for me. If I do not intentionally prioritize myself, I fall into self-neglect. For me it doesn't feel malicious or intentionally sabotaging (although that might have been the case for me many years ago), but neglect definitely fits."

The dictionary definition of neglect is "lack of attention or care that someone or something needs." That says it all. Are you neglecting your body, mind, spirit, finances, possessions, relationships, and boundaries in big or small ways? Which aspects of yourself are you not paying adequate attention to? No one has every area of their life completely together. Every one of us has at least one area we're neglecting at any given time.

Self-sabotage
The opposite of self-care is to behave in ways that undermine our goals for personal well-being. This kind of non-self-care can be tricky to identify, because we often do it unconsciously and even passive-aggressively. Look at how you care for yourself: can you see any ways you are actually setting yourself up for suffering? Self-sabotage often masquerades as martyrdom: we care for others to the detriment of caring for ourselves. Or we don't prioritize our own emotional and physical health because we assume we'll fail or that we don't deserve the rewards of self-care. Often the lie of self-sabotage is, It doesn't matter if I do something good for myself; I'm not worth it and it probably won't make a difference anyway. We make it an either-or decision. We adopt an all-or-nothing mindset that assumes the only choice is between self-care and self-neglect.

Self-betrayal
Self-betrayal, unlike self-sabotage, is usually conscious from the get-go. With this kind of non-self-care, we tell ourselves, "I know this is a priority, and even so, I'm not doing it." Self-betrayal comes in many forms. We choose to eat the food we know will make us feel crappy, we accept a work assignment when we're already maxed out, we take on an unwise financial obligation, we ignore the calendar's alert to schedule that mammogram or colonoscopy. When we choose to ignore what we know is the right choice, we're not just acting in an un-self-caring way; we are betraying ourselves. We try to let ourselves off the hook by saying, "I know it would be good for me to see the doctor (or take the day off, or get some rest, or say no to this request), but I can't because..." (add your favorite excuse here). But really, if we owned the truth, we'd say, "I am actively betraying myself by making this choice." Then we'd have a chance to change that habit. It's harder to make a detrimental choice if we admit we're aware of the consequences at some level.

Self-betrayal may be rooted in other non-self-caring motives, such as feelings of self-hate or a mindset of self-neglect. Or maybe we think our worth comes solely through achievement and work. Or it may simply be that we are continuing to care for ourselves in the negative ways others have cared for us in the past.

Self-sacrifice
This version of non-self-care has some pride to it. People say, "I am not taking care of myself because I am selfless, and I care more about others than myself." Self-sacrificers may even brag to others about their lack of self-care, enjoying the ego hits from their self-image: how giving, loving, and wonderful they are for driving themselves into the ground doing good works for others, or whatever it is they are sacrificing for. Self-sacrifice is intentional. We say, "I am choosing not to give myself care," with the core assumption being it is good and noble for me to suffer.

But please hear me on this: no matter how worthy the cause—and there are many worthy causes—if your body, your finances, your emotional health, and your general well-being are continually depleted, you will eventually have an empty well. It comes down to a simple economic truth: if you are bankrupt, you can't give to others.

Self-hatred
Related to self-sabotage, but more blatant and ingrained, self-hatred sends this message: "Since I don't like myself, I don't deserve to be taken care of." It manifests in other internal messages as well, like "It just doesn't matter if I do it or I don't; I'm not worth doing anything for. None of it makes a difference anyway." Like the other motivators of non-self-care, self-hatred stems from the past: we likely absorbed these negative feelings about ourselves as we were growing up. When key people in our lives communicated that we don't matter, we took those messages to heart.

I'm not telling you that self-care will heal all your childhood wounds, that it will instantly fill that hole where feelings of adequacy, worth, and lovability belong. But establishing the habit of self-care can have an impact by transforming your internal negative self-talk into positive self-talk, which translates into the bigger message I matter. If you are wounded, your self-care practice might at first feel like just a task without a purpose. But consistent self-care can change self-hate to the belief that we are worthy of love.