Episode 13 -- May 28, 2020

Many grandparents find themselves parenting their grandchildren. This can happen when their own kids struggle with substance use disorders, incarceration, mental illness, and other problems. As we continue to feel the impact of COVID-19, grandparents may have to step into a new role. This could be a temporary solution or become a longer-term arrangement. However it happened, however long it will be, tensions and emotions are high. It can feel overwhelming. Help is available, but first you need to know that you need it. Here are some signs that you need help.

This excerpt is from The Grandfamily Guidebook: Wisdom and Support for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren by Andrew Adesman, MD, and Christine Ademec. It has been edited for brevity.

Dealing with Your Own Emotions

A little sadness, loneliness, or anxiety is common, but sometimes sadness escalates to depression, and nervous anxiety can increase to an anxiety disorder. These are important conditions you need to cope with. Whether your grandchildren understand what you are feeling--and they probably won't--they will likely be affected negatively by your chronic emotional struggles. For this reason and many others, it's important to get help with overwhelming emotions, because when you feel better, you'll also be a better parent.

Do I Need Help? Some Signs

You might think people would just know if they needed professional help from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health provider: they'd feel some urgency about their mental health. But sometimes people don't know because they're so entrenched in their current situation. They might feel helpless and hopeless, but they are nonetheless functioning and may not realize how far they have slipped. Sometimes they have felt that way for so long that it seems normal. In the Adesman Grandfamily Study, about a third of respondents (30 percent) said they strongly agreed or somewhat agreed that they would like to receive counseling services. In addition, 28 percent said they were currently receiving counseling services. Let's look at some of the behaviors and symptoms that indicate a visit to the doctor, and perhaps a counselor, is in order: excessive fatigue, obsessive worrying, changes in eating or sleeping habits, and irritability.

• FATIGUE OR SIGNIFICANT LOSS OF ENERGY
  Do you feel extremely tired or even exhausted just about every day? That's a sign that you're overdoing things and you need to regroup. Check your priorities. For example, is it necessary or even possible to keep a perfectly tidy home when you have a curious toddler running about? What other household or volunteer tasks could you eliminate? If you cut back on some of your commitments and the severe fatigue does not abate, be sure to see your doctor. And please strongly consider joining a support group for grandparents. The sense of camaraderie can be a real energy boost. If you can't get out, then join an online group.


• OBSESSIVE WORRYING
  Some grandparents find they cannot concentrate during the day because they are so anxious, and they cannot sleep at night either. Either way, obsessive worrying is a debilitating symptom that can signal depression, anxiety, or other disorders. You need to seek help, and the first stop is to your physician to verify that you don't have any serious illnesses. If your daytime or nighttime symptoms suggest depression, anxiety, or both--which is common--your doctor may wish to prescribe a low dosage of an antidepressant or antianxiety medication. (Always insist on starting at a low dose.) It can take several weeks to gain the full effect, so be patient. Unfortunately, when we hear about these medications, some of us automatically think, I'll never take those! They're for crazy people, and I'm not that bad off. The fact is, antidepressant and antianxiety medications are widely used, and many people lead much richer, more manageable lives because of them. The stigma is slowly fading, which is a good thing. Just as a person with diabetes needs medicine, people with depression and/or anxiety find they function much better with the help of these drugs.


• EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT
  Some new grandparents, generally grandmothers, say they cry themselves to sleep each night, upset about their adult children as well as their grandchildren and unsettled about the future. When it's severe, this fear and distress can signal depression, anxiety, or other disorders. Ask your doctor for help, and again, rule out a medical problem before considering a psychological problem. It's best to make sure you're not experiencing symptoms of menopause, thyroid disease, or another medical issue. Some doctors may be a little quick with the prescription pad for treatment of emotional problems, so keep in mind that counseling or therapy is often helpful, and there are other non-pharmaceutical means to help elevate a depressed mood, such as exercise, which naturally boosts mood for many people. A healthy diet, daily meditation, and satisfying social contacts can all help with these symptoms in many cases. If you do seek therapy or counseling, welcome to the club! It can be highly effective in helping you overcome the issues discussed in this section, as can joining a grandparent support group, either in person or online. There's a lot to be gained through the sharing of information and opinions from people in such a group. Knowledge is power! You may be worrying over something minor. Or it could be a valid worry, and others will have suggestions on ways to overcome the problem.


• EATING TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE
  Have your eating habits changed? If you've lost or gained more than 5 percent of your weight without trying to, you may be depressed. Consult with your physician to make sure you don't have a health problem that causes weight loss or gain, such as a thyroid disease. If you are depressed, the doctor may recommend a low dosage of an antidepressant or suggest other strategies.


• SLEEPING TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE
  It's hard to sleep too much when you are parenting a small child, but if you sleep all day while the child is in school, that's a problem. It's more likely for parenting grandparents to sleep too little--perhaps because of nighttime worry. Either way, if your sleep habits are unhealthy, consult with your physician, checking first for medical problems, then for mental health issues such as depression. Again, antidepressants or lifestyle changes can be a big help.


• LOSING YOUR TEMPER OVER EVERYDAY IRRITATIONS
  Everyone gets angry occasionally, but if you are getting distraught over minor mishaps, like yet another cup of spilled juice, you may have a problem with depression, anxiety, or another issue. Again, consult with your doctor to rule out medical problems before you consider if you may have a psychological problem.

You might be surprised by the variety of help at hand--not only from mental health professionals but also from a thriving number of local and national support groups, both in person and online.

About the authors
Dr. Andrew Adesman is a nationally recognized pediatrician with expertise in the areas of parenting and child development. He is a professor of pediatrics at the Donald and Barbara Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell. He also serves as chief of the Division of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics at the Steven & Alexandra Cohen Children's Medical Center of New York. The author of the trusted book Baby Facts, in 2016 Adesman completed the largest nationwide study of grandparents serving as parents.

Christine Adamec is a self-help, health, and wellness writer who has coauthored more than 40 books, including When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart; The A-Z of Phobias, Fears, and Anxieties, and Fibromyalgia for Dummies. She and her husband are now raising a grandchild.

This is the second book from coauthors Adesman and Adamec; they previously worked together on Parenting Your Adopted Child.

© 2018 by Adesman and Adamec
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