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Episode 57 -- October 29, 2020

Emotional Sobriety: Pressure Yourself to Change

Emotional sobriety is about learning how to keep our emotional balance regardless of what is going on around us. We know that we have gotten stuck in the pattern of saying "If only..." because we have believed that if some condition had been different, then we would be different. That's not always the case. In his book, 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone, Dr. Allen Berger teaches us how to differentiate between the internal and the external, by showing us to focus on ourselves rather than others. What can we change? How can we improve the situation? How does focusing on others keep us stuck in our recovery?

Here are some tips from Dr. Berger to help you turn inward to change yourself when the pressure's on.

This excerpt is from 12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs are Gone by Allen Berger and has been edited for brevity.

As we build a set of principles that will help us grow up emotionally and differentiate ourselves from others, there is nothing more important than the principle discussed in the last chapter and the principle we are going to discuss now. Emotional sobriety is about learning how to keep our emotional balance regardless of what is going on around us. As you have seen, one way we facilitate the development of this ability is through self-confrontation. Self-confrontation helps us identify our personal issues, our shortcomings, our stuck points, and our working points. When we confront ourselves for the sake of our own integrity, we stop avoiding our personal issues. In essence, we stop dodging ourselves and instead focus on identifying the patterns and themes in our lives, extracting from them our unresolved personal issues so we can focus our efforts on growing up.

One way we have avoided looking at ourselves is by externalizing the responsibility for our unhappiness, for our failures, and even for our addiction. We blame others for our troubles, for our low self-esteem, for our frustrations, for how we feel or don't feel, or for how we react. This mentality led us to believe that if conditions were different, we would be different. We become obsessed with "If only..." Here's a list of them:

  • If only my parents would have been more loving or less abusive, I would have a better life today.
  • If only my father or mother weren't an alcoholic, I wouldn't be an addict today.
  • If only my boss recognized my talents and efforts, I would have a better job and make more money.
  • If only I were taller and more attractive, I would have more self-esteem.
  • If only I had more opportunities, I would be more successful.
  • If only I had a better body, I would be more attractive and happier.
  • If only I had more money, I would be happier.
  • If only my partner were more sensitive or expressed his or her feelings better, we would have a better relationship
  • If only my sponsor had more time, I would be able to work the Steps faster.
  • If only men weren't such jerks, I would have a better relationship with them.
  • If only women were more logical, I could deal with our conflicts much better.
  • If only I had more time, then I could do what I really want and
  • If only__________________ (fill in the blank), I would be_____________________ (fill in the blank).

The list can go on and on ad nauseam. We can get caught up in the futile blame game for the rest of our lives.

Lest I be misunderstood, I want to clarify a couple of things.

First of all, there is some truth to the "if things were different" hypothesis. It's true that if certain experiences in our lives were different, we would be different. But while this is true, it is also eventually irrelevant. We experienced what we experienced for whatever reasons. This is our life, our cross to bear, so to speak. Some say this is our karma. It really doesn't matter what explanation we have for why these things happened; the reality is that they happened. We came to our suffering legitimately. The most relevant question we have to ask ourselves is what are we willing to do about it.

Second, I don't mean to ridicule or minimize anyone's suffering or pain. Life is difficult and anything but smooth and easy. Many of us have been traumatized and hurt along the way. Recognizing our pain and traumas, and dealing with these feelings or experiences, is extremely important in recovery. But that's not the issue I am addressing here. What I am objecting to is using these things to justify why we continue to be unhappy or don't feel better about ourselves or why we relapse. This type of thinking is self-destructive and is a real dirty trick that we are playing on ourselves. Regardless of what has happened in our lives, we can become clean and sober; we can become the person we want to be.

Honesty is the foundation for self-confrontation. But the truth will only set us free if we have the courage to act on it. We must realize that the "if only" formula is part of the problem, not the solution. We will never develop emotional sobriety if it is dependent on people or circumstances--especially people and circumstances from our past. If our emotional sobriety requires anything other than our efforts right here and right now, we will never grow up. This explains why we need to shift our focus. Remember, where we focus is where our energy goes. If we are focused on the "if onlys" in our lives, our life energy will follow and, then, won't be available for more constructive efforts.

Hopefully you are asking yourself something like, "Okay, Doc, I am convinced that I need to focus my attention on myself, but where do I start?" This is a great question. In the previous chapter, I suggested that you construct your own personal crucible. If you were fearless and thorough in your self-confrontation, you were able to extract and identify your unresolved personal issues, the ones embedded in your conflicts or in your emotional dependency. These are the issues you need to focus on in your recovery. Here are some general guidelines for this work:

  • If you are in a partnership, stop working on your relationship and instead focus on yourself. Stop trying to make your partner listen to you, or validate you, or accept you. Instead, start listening to yourself. Focus on learning how to validate yourself and accept yourself. Focus on learning to be self-supportive.
  • If you are dissatisfied in your job, stop focusing on what is wrong with it or your fellow employees and instead focus on yourself. Stop hoping that they will function better, and instead focus on how you can start functioning better. Focus on being your best self regardless of what is happening at work.
  • If you are attending a Twelve Step meeting that isn't living up to your expectations, stop focusing on what is wrong with the meeting. Instead, shift your focus to what you can do to sweeten the pot. Focus on bringing to the meeting what is missing. And,
  • If you are working with a Twelve Step newcomer and they aren't working the program according to your wishes, stop focusing on what they are doing and instead focus on doing something different with them.

I am suggesting that you let the best of yourself run the show. Then, every time that you fall short, you pull yourself up. Don't wait for someone else to put pressure on you; confront yourself. Take yourself to task, not punitively, but compassionately and firmly.

About the Author:
Allen Berger, Ph.D., is in private practice. He is also the author of Love Secrets Revealed, a book about making relationships work. For the past thirty-six years, Dr. Berger has been on his own personal journey in recovery while helping thousands of men and women discover a new way of life, free from addiction and its insanity. You can learn more about Dr. Berger and his work at www.abphd.com.

© 2010 by Allen Berger
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