Episode 17 -- June 5, 2020

Not a Democracy: Parenting Teens During the Pandemic

During the coronavirus outbreak, many of us are in our homes. We are staying sheltered in place, or even quarantined. Having to stay confined like this is not easy, especially if you have a full house of family members. If you've got a kid who's working through a substance use disorder, create a home where you set the boundaries. You are older, smarter, and more experienced than your child. You are the parent. It's your house. And, according to Dr. Joseph Lee in his book Recovering My Kid, your house is not a democracy.

This excerpt is from Recovering My Kid by Dr. Joseph Lee. It has been edited for brevity.

Your House Is Not a Democracy

Yes, I said it.

Your house is not a democracy.

I'd like to make a few points here to build my case.

For my first point, I want to say that Intelligence does not equal wisdom. Let's face it. Our children are bright. They know a lot about technology. They seem to grow up and mature faster with each passing generation. They are articulate and precocious. They engage with causes and political movements in a way that's inspiring. We are blown away when they make profound, logical statements. We want to believe in their maturity. We want to consult their opinions. We want to believe.

However, there is a big difference between wisdom and intelligence. Intelligence has to do with knowledge; wisdom confers sound judgment. Intelligence is dependent on no more than a combination of curiosity and access to information. Wisdom requires emotional maturity, experience, and the ability to suppress our impulses at appropriate times.

When your child is in crisis, you must resist the temptation to overestimate her maturity. You don't want to underestimate it, either, but the goal is to show your mettle by first being a parent.

Today, I see an increasingly disturbing trend of parenting children based on the child's intellectual development as opposed to emotional maturity. This is the single biggest error that parents make. We mistake articulate logical arguments for sound decision making in the face of pressure.

The second point to be made when establishing that your home is not a democracy is that we are not their friends, and we don't have to be "cool." Parents who fall victim to equating wisdom with intelligence are also susceptible to the fallacy that they should be their child's "friend."

I think every parent at one time or another has fantasies about being a "cool" parent--someone who's in tune with her kids. Someone who can jam on the guitar with his kids and communicate the wisdom of his own youthful experience in a vivid way. Someone who can lead her kids in the right direction by being more like a friend or an older sibling. Someone who can just inspire his kids to do well without setting limits or expectations through love and wisdom and open-mindedness and all the other well-intentioned, but possibly misguided, values of the 1960s. Someone who offers freedom of choice to her children with the sentiment that they will, in the end, make the right decisions and appreciate your trust.

Next, as you make your home a safe, non-democrat space for your kids, I need you to know that you can be honest about your own history of alcohol and other drug use--and still maintain your leadership. Parents are often not sure how to go about disclosing their own history of drug use. And when they do, the messages are all too often mixed. I know this because I ask the kids in my office about what their parents are saying at home on this issue. The mixed messaging occurs because parents

• One: have different viewpoints and don't get on the same page or
• Two: lose sight of the big objectives when they talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol or
• Three: try to show their children that they used responsibly or
• Four: get lost in their stories and try to be "cool"

Somewhere in this dialogue, the main point about staying away from drugs gets lost.

Remember that you do not have to reveal all the details of your past drug use, even if your children ask about them. The idea is to have an appropriate discussion about health care, not a shocking or melodramatic one. Again, this is not a platform for parents to talk about how cool they were during their teen and college years. Their kids might not be interested in knowing this. (And some parents really weren't that cool, anyway.) This is a matter of keeping things in perspective. When parents talk about cancer, diabetes, or heart disease that runs across generations of a family, the subject is likely to be discussed in an open and matter-of-fact way. But when the conversation turns to a relative's mental health diagnosis or drug addiction, some parents get lost in morality plays. The narration gets mixed up with judgments about right and wrong, good and bad, lack of willpower, and personal failure. A stigma kicks in and the discussion shuts down. That's something to avoid.

As a parent, you are the greatest influence on your children's development, even if they don't openly admit this. Underneath all their bluster, your kids are paying close attention to what you say and do. Research pretty conclusively shows that kids are susceptible to all sorts of messaging from media, friends, parents, and other sources of influence. And at the same time, parents who are more ambiguous about their stance on drug use have kids who are more prone to use. It's that simple.

Finally, as the last point in building my case that your house is not a democracy, be sure to sweat the small stuff, such as easy access to prescription drugs in your house. More specifically, know who has access to your medicine cabinet. I am baffled by how many parents drop the ball on this. They have a minor knee operation, for example, go to their primary care doctor, and get a prescription for thirty oxycodone pills. The pain is manageable with basic Tylenol after a week or so, and the rest of the medication just sits in the medicine cabinet, free for the taking. This is a real lapse in leadership.

To compound the problem, some parents think they're doing the right thing by holding on to whatever medication is left over and saving it for a rainy day when they're in pain. Lo and behold, what happens is that one of their child's friends comes to the house, takes five of those pills (leaving enough of them so you don't know that any have been taken), and sells them for twenty dollars a pill on the market. This transaction creates a powerful incentive for this kid to do the same thing again.

Worse yet, the child is with friends at a party away from home, and someone there overdoses on medication and dies. After asking some questions, the authorities find out that the pills came from one of the parents' medicine cabinets. This is a situation you never have to find yourself in. Thinking about and acting on concerns like disposing of unused prescription drugs, keeping alcohol out of reach, and taking other preventative measures doesn't make you a tyrant, uncool, or an untrusting parent. It makes you a responsible leader of your household.

The bottom line is...If you can manage to be your child's friend as a sort of "icing on the cake," then go for it. Otherwise, stick to being a parent, remembering that the greater wisdom is yours. You won't be nearly as cool...

...but your kids will be safer.

About the author
As the medical director for Hazelden Betty Ford's youth services, Dr. Joseph Lee is a thought leader on matters related to youth, addiction, families, and mental health. Dr. Lee's experience with families from across the country and abroad provide him with an unparalleled perspective on emerging drug trends, co-occurring mental health conditions, and the ever-changing culture of addiction. Given his unique degree of specialization and powerful messaging, Dr. Lee has been featured in numerous media venues and national academic conferences alike. He is the author of Recovering My Kid: Parenting Young Adults in Treatment and Beyond, which provides an honest guide for parental leadership in times of crisis.

© 2012 by Joseph Lee
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