Episode 64 -- November 23, 2020

Help for the Hard Times: Supporting Others

It's November. Time to think about Thanksgiving and other holidays. Maybe we'll get together with families, or maybe we'll do it differently this year. If we don't see our loved ones, will we feel loss? If they don't see us, will they? If we can't meet with our home groups in person, how will we feel? The holidays are hard under "normal" circumstances, but this year is far from normal.

No matter what, we'll have plenty of feelings to deal with...instead of numbing or hiding from them. But what about the feelings of others? How can we help the people in our lives who are also feeling loss? What does it look like and what can we do for them, whether in-person, on the phone, on a video call, or in writing? In his book Help for the Hard Times: Getting Through Loss, Earl Hipp helps us understand what grief looks like in other people, then gives us tips for helping others in their time of need. Like recovery, if we've already been there, we can help others as they experience it too. Because losses are both big and small...and everything in between. We can be there for all of them.

It has been edited for brevity.

If you have been through The Hard Times, you will know what it is like and naturally have a sense of what helps and what doesn't. You will know that people who are grieving have individual needs, and that the type of support they need changes as they move through the different stages of their loss. You needn't have been through big losses in order to be supportive of a grieving person, but having been there helps. Here are some important ways anyone can be helpful to a person who has had a loss.

Stay Connected
Grieving people have to go through their grief on their own. That's how grieving works. But it can be much less lonely and scary if they know that others care about them and are not too far away if they need a helping hand. Let grieving people know, by your words and actions, that you care, that you will stay by them and be there for them when they need you. Find ways to let them know that they are important to you and that you accept them even (or especially) when they feel the least lovable. When you stay connected, not going away when someone acts weird or moody, you give the grieving person the gift of real friendship.

Right after a big loss, people are often surrounded by supporters. But it's a few weeks later, when the commotion dies down and people go away, that the grieving really settles in. This is a critical time to reach out to help. In the weeks and months of The Hard Times and healing, it is very important to let the grieving person know that you haven't forgotten and that you are still there... for as long as it takes.

Have Patience
As you have learned, people experiencing a loss can be pretty hard to be with at times. Their mood swings, confused thinking, and occasional strange behavior can make them unpleasant to be around. At times they will test your patience, maybe all the time. This behavior is really a signal for you to dig down and gather up all the compassion and patience you can find. Like very sick people, they are just not themselves. They will need your support and they need time to heal—sometimes a long time. Your patience with them is a gift and an expression of true caring.

Just Be You and Be There
It is not your job to fix them, give them great advice, or convince them you know what they are feeling (you really don't). All you have to do is be there and, in your own words, share what's in your heart. It is doing something very important to just be there with them, even not speaking. Someone who is just too exhausted or confused to make conversation often really appreciates silent company.

Expect Anger
People going through a loss have had something taken away. Something they cared about is gone and they should be angry. It's a normal response. Sometimes they are so angry that their anger just jumps out at the wrong times and at the wrong people. Grieving people can be so angry that they will sometimes overreact to the littlest thing. If their anger gets pointed at you, don't be surprised. You may want to consider what they're going through before you respond. Support in this case means not being angry back.

Just Ask
It hurts to see friends or loved ones struggling with the pain of a loss. We want to make it better or easier for them, but we don't always know how. Mostly we guess at how to be helpful and sometimes do or say the wrong things. We can have good intentions but still give them support that is not helpful or that is even hurtful. One way to be sure you are meeting their needs in the best way is to ask them what kind of support they would like from you. Often they will know and be able to tell you, but at other times they will be such a confused mess that you will be lucky to get a response at all. By asking, regardless of the response, you are letting them know you care and are there for them. That helps a lot.

Grow Huge Ears
People experiencing a big loss need to talk about it. They need to tell people how strange, sad, confusing, scary, lonely, hopeless, and endless it all feels. They need to say the same things over and over and over again until their wound heals. In fact they need to go on talking about it long after most people have grown tired of listening. If you really want to help people who are grieving, keep asking them how they are doing. Encourage them to talk about their losses by asking questions, staying interested, and listening as long as you can. Your having big ears and a willingness to use them is very helpful to a grieving person.

Remember Anniversaries
The passage of time changes for a person experiencing a major loss. Often it moves very, very slowly and just getting through a week can seem like forever. Remembering anniversaries like a week, month, or even a year since the loss with a call, a note, or a card helps in a number of ways. It reminds them that time is passing and they are getting through The Hard Times. Reminders also let them know that you care enough to pay attention to their life and that you are interested in how they are doing.

Help Them See the Upside
At some point a ways down the road from a big loss, people will be ready to consider again how they and the world are wonderful. But in the early days and months of a loss, it's hard to let it in. Trying to force someone to consider the upside too soon is not helpful at all. When they appear to be putting themselves back together, your help in remembering the good stuff of life and how they are amazing, awesome, playful, cool, competent, and lovable can be very helpful.

About the Author:
Earl Hipp is a writer, speaker, and consultant. He works with businesses, schools, parent groups, and other organizations to help people manage life's challenges and get along with each other better. He has written Fighting Invisible Tigers - A Stress Management Guide for Teens, and three pamphlets for Hazelden's Step Meetings for Young People series.

© 1995 Text, Earl Hipp; Illustrations, L.K. Hansonr
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