Episode 36 -- August 17, 2020

What's happened in the recovery community since the start of the COVID-19 crisis? It has continued. It's pivoted. It's moved online. It has been a beacon of hope to so many. It has sustained itself through groups, treatment centers, virtual outpatient services, and online meetings. Video, phone, email, texting--people have stayed connected. Because, as A.J. Adams says in Undrunk: A Skeptic's Guide to AA, there is no recovery alone. Whether or not it's your substance or style, one of the ideas that works for recovery is finding someone who's gone before you. In Alcoholics Anonymous specifically, that person could become your sponsor. Why is a sponsor important? What does a sponsor do? Read about it here and consider finding a mentor for you in your own program, whether formal or informal. Even when we're more isolated and separate, you don't have to go it alone.

This excerpt is from Undrunk by A.J. Adams and has been edited for brevity.

One of the essential components of a successful AA program is having a solid sponsor. So how come sponsors are not mentioned in the Twelve Steps? Bill and Bob knew that someone had to bring the AA message to each person, so the concept of the sponsor was present in the early annals of AA, although it wasn't called sponsorship. Remember, AA is a little like a treasure hunt, and we have to figure out some things for ourselves.

Bill always referred to Ebby Thacher, who came to him with the Oxford Group message of redemption in 1934, as his sponsor. Bob called Bill his sponsor. Men who entered the Akron Group in the 1930s and 1940s typically came in with the endorsement of an existing member to protect everyone's anonymity. Chapter 7 in the Big Book ("Working with Others") is an early version of what it means and what it takes to bring the AA program to a drunk. That is the core task of sponsorship.

From the beginning of my association with AA, people told me how important it is to get a sponsor. No one told me much about what to look for in a sponsor or how to approach one, so I got a little tense about the process. I tried to figure out who the best all-around member was in the group I was in and sign that person up. My sponsor later told me that he agreed to sponsor me out of curiosity, wanting to find out whether I was really as big an ass as I seemed in early sobriety. I was damn lucky.

Here are a few characteristics I value in my sponsor and would recommend to others. It's my list only, but it might help you narrow the field. Don't worry about being rejected. Most AAs are at least a little bit flattered to be asked, and all of us know that sponsoring someone else is the best way to stay sober ourselves.

Look for those who can be a model, a mentor, a sherpa, a teacher, a confidant, or a friend.

• A Model. Look for someone who seems to be living the AA program, as far as you can tell. Don't go on a saint-hunt, but keep an eye out for members who participate, show kindness to others, seem comfortable in their own skins, and so on. Seek out someone who's walking the walk.
• A Mentor. You'll be taking a fair amount of direction and some advice from your sponsor, so look for someone with whom you'll be comfortable (at least temporarily) in a subordinate or student role. This was not easy for me, and I don't think I'm alone. AAs often have difficulty listening and learning from others. They say in AA that it's harder to recover with your mouth open, and I'm living proof of that.
• A Sherpa. This sounds corny, but recovery is a mountain for some of us and going up with someone who has already made the climb is not a bad idea, much like the Tibetan Sherpas who guide climbers up Mt. Everest. A good sponsor will not only show you the route but also alert you to bumps in the road, detours, and steep spots. Having an encouraging guide that you trust is a good way to journey through AA.
• A Teacher. A good sponsor will usually be a good teacher too. That means understanding the program and being able to pass it on. Sometimes you'll be impressed by how a veteran member speaks about the program at a meeting. That person might be a good sponsor for you. But don't get anxious. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
• A Confidant. You're going to share some fairly wretched stuff about yourself with your sponsor, so do what you can to assess the person's discretion before you start. If at any time along the road to recovery your sponsor breaches confidentiality, show him or her the door.
• A Friend. In the beginning, there was a certain distance between me and my sponsor because we were in a teacher/student relationship. As my recovery progressed, we became friends. If that happens for you, great. If not, it's no big deal.

There are a couple intangibles that enter into the sponsor selection that I'll mention for what they're worth. First, look at a prospective sponsor and ask yourself whether he or she has something important that's missing in your life. For me, it was calm. If you don't see something like that, keep looking. Second, things seem to go better if the chemistry is good. My sponsor and I hit it off and, as time wore on, realized that we had much in common. For example, I needed someone with a sense of humor. In fact, I can't imagine doing the AA program with someone who doesn't think that life can be pretty funny.

There are a few things that a sponsor is not that most of us probably know intuitively but may bear mentioning.

A sponsor is not a nanny. If you want to drink, drug, or otherwise wreck your life, you probably will, and it's not your sponsor's job to babysit you if you're still using. AA will be waiting for you when you're finished, if you want to try again.

Sponsors are not bankers. Because we're irresponsible when we're drinking, many AAs find themselves "a little short" coming into the program. In my experience, most of us overcome that. In fact, I'm willing to bet that AAs are better credit risks than the general population. But covering you until payday is not in your sponsor's job jar.

Don't expect your sponsor to referee conflicts between you and your spouse, boss, friends, and so on. Your sponsor works with you. You work with everyone else in your life.

Finally, your sponsor is more likely to drive you nuts by withholding advice than by giving it. In early sobriety, sponsors can look like the most together people. They are not. They just work harder and smarter at the same kinds of things that bother you. When I ask my sponsor for advice, I usually get, "Well, I don't know what you should do, but this is what I did in a similar situation."

How do you actually get a sponsor? This is tricky, so pay attention: you ask. Yes, just ask. Sometimes at AA meetings, the chair will call for a show of hands of those willing to sponsor. Remember, boys for boys and girls for girls (unless you're a gay man or a lesbian, then it's the opposite). This is not Match.com. If you're not sure that you're making the right choice, either wait a few days or ask the person to be your temporary sponsor. This is a common way to try out a partnership.

What if you ask someone and they don't accept, for whatever reason? For example, many sponsors limit themselves to a certain number of sponsees. Don't be deterred. Just keep asking. What if a sponsor relationship doesn't work out? This is hard because of human nature and feelings, but your highest priority is your recovery. If your recovery is not being well-served in the relationship, end it. If your sponsor is a solid AA, that won't be a problem. Final point: When will you be ready to sponsor others? You have to be asked first, and at that point, I believe that we just know we're ready.

For me, recovery from alcoholism has a lot to do with coming out of isolation and reconnecting with the world. I think that's true for many of us. My sponsor has done more than any other person to walk me back into the human race. Freedom for us alcoholics comes the company of others. There is no recovery alone.

Learn more about recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous by reading Undrunk by A.J. Adams.

About the Author:
A. J. Adams, a recovering alcoholic, consults, writes, and teaches. He lives with his wife in the Southwest. A. J. Adams is a pen name.

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